I can’t remember not wanting to kill myself. Starting around ~11 was probably when I began feeling suicidal. I know it was at least then. When I was younger I was depressed, well not depressed as most others describe it and think of it. There is not sadness or self pity, just self hatred and lack of motivation and inability to function. I’ve experienced that for as long as I can remember, but I know it goes back to kindergarden. I used to “mope” around the house finding an inability to play…usually lying in some contorted position starring at the wall…or laying on the wheeled ottoman pushing myself slowly around the room in circles starring at the floor until one of my parents caught me doing that and yelled at me for it. When I was a freshman in hs a kid my age died and I was disgusted by the turn out for his wake and decided I would wait tip after high school to kill myself. I didn’t want to put my parents thru me killing myself as a child. I dated someone in college that made me want to live, but that didn’t last and ruined me for anyone else. I’ve since figured out great things to do to make this world better. And I’m intelligent to know that there’s no point to kill yourself since nothing ultimately matters. You exist, you’re alive so do whatever you can with your life just for the hell of it … but there’s also no point of going on.Pain doesn’t matter. I can go on torturing myself for all eternity whatever, but I’m tired. the last 5 or so years I haven’t had 2 full nights of sleep in a row, I haven’t gone through a day without thinking about killing myself. I planned to kill myself when I’m done with the work I’ve been trying to accomplish, but I don’t know how much longer I can do that since there’s ultimately no point in the world better anyway. I’m tired of wishing I was dead. I just want to be able to kill myself already.