I don’t like kids. I just don’t. They’re gross, they say stupid s*** over and over, they NEVER stop nagging/attention whoring and they are basically annoying little poop/puke machines.

Yeah, babies are cute, from a distance. But up close they smell like bad milk and they spit up on you. In fact their faces are CONSTANTLY LEAKING. Snot and drool, snot and droll. It’s a never ending cycle.

And to all my friends who fill up my Facebook feed with pictures of their babies – stop it. They are not as cute as you think they are. One of them looks like a goblin child and the others all look the same. And you keep having them even though you’re broke all the time! WHY?? You gave away your cat because you couldn’t afford the vet bills and then went and purposefully had another baby?? What the f*** is wrong with you?

And no, I don’t want to hold it. Babies are heat machines who leak fluid everywhere. Why would I want to hold a sweaty, leaky mess?

But I love you all. So I fake it. I pretend to think your kids are the greatest thing ever to be created on earth because it makes you happy. And because I know that eventually they’re going to grow up and want nothing to do with you anymore and you will start to remember there are other things in life.

In the meantime I’ll be over here petting your long ignored cat/dog who at least won’t reward my adoration by peeing on me.

F****** breeders.