Its been a while since I have felt anything toward anyone and that’s why I found it strange that she made me feel at ease. It wasn’t like love at first sight or anything, although she is very attractive. Over time, she depended on me and I would run to her, heart in my hands. Offering to heal her pain, to stay loyally by her side no matter what. More days passed and I began to hang out with her more often. She at least live an hour away from my house, at the edge of town. Usually I wouldn’t walk so far to just hang out. But for her….for her I would do it and it didn’t feel bad. At some point she invited me to sleep over her house.
I said sure and soon I found myself sharing a bed with her. Nothing happens; we just talk until she falls asleep. I have insomnia so I barely sleep. I began to notice these dreams I kept having. Of taking her hand into mine, leading her away from everyone who didn’t accept her for who she was. She has social anxiety and so do I. hers are more severe than mine it’s the point where she will shut away everyone, hide behind smiles, cover her scars with makeup and pretend everything is ok.
Soon enough, I found myself imagining having her close to me. My arms wrapped around her while she slept. And every time I dreamed of that, my heart would race. Recently, we were walking back home from getting some ice cream, she looked nervous walking next to a cemetery in pitch black darkness, so she quietly asked if she could hold my hand. I didn’t say a word, simply grabbed her hand and we walked in silence. It began to pour rain, neither of us had coats but when we made it home, she immediately went to the shower. All I could think of was, she held my hand. We held hands. To some people it may sound corny or gay, but to me it was the world. This was something I never felt.
Right now, I am writing this as she lays next to me, asleep. And I cant help but think, what would she say if I told her? Would she reject me?
I have no answer. I don’t know. And I am afraid to know. Sooner or later, she will find out. Someone will notice how I give her loving looks when she turns her back toward me, the way I always carry the heavy groceries for her, the way I make sure people stop so she could cross the street safely, and how I make sure to support her when her friends abandon her.
I’ve cried for her. I remember all the times of sitting next to her, her eyes glistening with fresh tears, wondering why she was easy to replace, why everyone ignores her and why her friends always leave her behind for more popular girls. I’d give anything to take her pain away. I remember promising her that I wouldn’t abandon her, no matter what. And I never break my promises.
Memories flood my mind of acting goofy just to see her smile, or the times I’d act dumb just to have her lightly push me, calling me a smartass. Even the times we would sit close to each other, watching tv and such.
She’s smart, studies every kind of myth and legend, loves reading, anime, is strangely obsessed with lipstick, and likes going mining for these cool looking rocks. Yet to everyone else, she’s quiet and uninteresting. No one knows her like I do and I feel proud calling her my best friend.
I will never let my feelings lead me to breaking my promise. Right now, I’m happy laying next to her, hopefully one day she will notice me and share my feelings.
Can a girl love me? Will she be able to love another girl? What would her mother say?
Will she love me, a girl who cross dresses often, loves drawing, has bipolar disorder and gender issues? Will she accept me knowing I adore her to pieces?
I am in love. Although it hurts so much to be so close, I am glad I met her.
She reminds me of the beauty in life, and that not everything beautiful is painted with pinks and reds. Sometimes, its simply black and white.
