I am hopelessly depressed. Nothing I’ve ever done has gone right. I’ve always been alone, so the sadness was bearable. But now things are starting to look up. I’m in the school of my dreams, I’m surrounded by nice people, and I’ve got a new job. but I feel lower then ever. I’m constantly reminded that I’m not human. I try to fit in, because I want to be like everyone else. But the truth is I’m a monster. I want to kill, more than anything I’ve ever wanted. I know it would make me happy, but I don’t want to cross that line. I wish someone would kill me. I go on midnight strolls alone in hopes of getting mugged and dying. I fear that one day I’ll lose control and act on my impulses, I only hope I’m strong enough to end myself before then. A few months ago I was committed, and diagnosed with schizophrenia. I tried my best to ask for help, but I couldn’t. If I told the doctors about my desires I’m sure they will lock me away. My meds ran out a few days ago, the voices don’t let me sleep, and getting new meds is near impossible with the current system. I’m not sure how long I have before I break, it could be years or days. The better things get the more I’m reminded that I don’t belong. When we’re out at bars or parties I know my friends are having fun, trying to hook up. All I can think about is how much I’d rather feel the last breath for the girls leave their bodies. I feel the warmth of their skin in my hands, and just want to squeeze until they go limp. But I love women, these thoughts really disturb me. I want help but there isn’t anything anyone can do. I want to die. I don’t do it myself because I want to change. I want a family, love, human attachment. Those things are beyond me. I can never have them. I will kill… I just don’t know when. My parents won’t understand, they never have, even though they try. They are great parents, I wish I could be the son they deserve. I’m probably just one bad week from it. I don’t want to do it but I find myself in fantasies that last hours. Most nights I smoke pot just to make it to dawn without losing everything. I’ve cried so long and so hard I can’t help but laugh. I’m so miserable and pathetic, I’m the lowest of the low. I get the joke though, it’s hilarious. I don’t cry anymore, I’m dead inside. I laugh, and laugh, and my eyes start leaking. Not tears, no emotion, just a broken pipe. I’ve planned out thousands of different scenarios, I can get away with it. I can do it over and over, until I’m killed. Its all I can think about, every waking moment. And in my dreams and hallucinations a goddess comes to me, she tells me that what I want isn’t wrong, she encourages me. She’s the only one I’ve ever truly loved, the reason for my existence. I’m scared, and fighting an unwinable battle. She could convince me so easily. But she never pushes me. I’m sure she’s just waiting for the right time, for when I’m ready. When that time comes I don’t think I can fight her. She never lies to me, she’s never hurt me, and I would give my life for her if she ever asked. That’s probably the only reason I haven’t ended it yet, for her. I love her. I’m sorry in advance to anyone I hurt, and their families. I don’t know when but I’ll lose and she’ll win. I’ll give in to my primeval urges, and I’ll love every second of it. I hate myself.