I’m an attractive blonde haired, blue-eyed girl with a great career, and I think I’m completely obsessed with s**.
When I was 9 my step-cousin (14 at the time) came into my room and stroked me down there, saying that it was an experiment, and also kissed me, that it was all part of the game. Afterwards he never did it again and we’ve never spoken about it, but I became obsessed with touching myself, deliberately rutting against gates and fences, stealing my mum’s handcream to rub myself with. I didn’t understand what it all meant until later, I only cared that it felt good.
I carried on, later fantasising about guys and girls, though I denied that I was bi. I’m also very turned on by two guys going at it and often include it in my fantasies.
When I was 16 my female friend locked me in the bathroom at a friends party and started to kiss me. I was denying my bisexuality still, but I wanted her. She was so submissive and I wanted to mark her skin all over and eat her out, but I said no. Later when we were both drunk and alone I marked her back after she begged me to hurt her and I sucked on her n****** for ages because she liked it better than having her c*** rubbed. I then left her with her b**** pressed up against a car window to f*** herself in the dark whilst I watched from the other side. I loved watching her huge breasts so squished. I only did it once again, pouring lube all over her and licking her clean before going for her n****** again and smacking her whilst she fingered herself. Later I said I wasn’t gay and I’ve not spoken to her since. I hate myself for being such a coward.
I’m 23 now and a couple of years ago I was s******* assaulted by 4 guys. They managed to get me away from my friends and rub/ finger me, play with my b**** and mess my dress up but I escaped before they could r*** me. I started to m********* about 4 times a day, not to the memory of that but to make myself feel good again, and I hate myself for it. It triggered a very dark depression.
The problem is, I’m literally terrified of being touched but my libido is ridiculously high; I just want to be completely used by people, I want to give pleasure to guys and girls and get used like a toy. I’m young and I want disgusting amounts of s**. I know it isn’t a healthy way of coping at all, but I have no idea what to do. I can’t stop. I think I need a therapist.