I just do not know why I ever did it. My father often whipped me with a belt when I was a child and adolescent. When I came to my late teens at the age of 19, I retaliated back out of impulse and long years of pain and hatred that I bore. Ever since then, I preferred to isolate myself from my family and turned extremely violent when anyone interfered in my personal life. My dad being possessive and over protective of me often interfered and incurred my wrath. I just did not know what I was doing and why I did it. I often ended up thrashing him back and kicked him out of his drunken haze. When my mom intervened to cease the brawl, I ended up slapping her hard once such that she fainted. This continued on until I was 25 and it all stopped. No interference and yet all I ended up was burdening myself with remorse, guilt, and a sense of deep self-loathing. When I was early 27, my dad passed away of a cardiac arrest and I ended up performing his final rites. Though my mother and many of my relatives tell me that I have only lashed out back due to years of pain and torture from abuse and bullying everywhere and yet had done my duty as a son to my parents by caring for them, I feel that I am mostly to blame for my father’s demise and my mother’s sorrow. I am doing all I can to take care of my mother, but I just feel uneasy and guilty of having assaulted my dad and mom. I just feel it is better that I am off dead and gone than to ever exist. A monster like me is best self-destroyed than to be living on regardless of how much remorse or guilt I harbor for life.