I look at my hands and they look old to me. Wrinkled and weak. I have read, so many times, about characters in books never forgetting their first loves,

12 years

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I look at my hands and they look old to me. Wrinkled and weak. I have read, so many times, about characters in books never forgetting their first loves, their first time having s**. I’ve never thought that, myself, and for some reason it just occurred to me it’s because my first s***** experience was when my older brother got me drunk and fucked my face telling me I’d be ‘next’ to feel good.

Which never happened, having shot his load he passed out.

I’ve spent so much time in therapy – having gone from one relationship to another – the b*** end of abuse and misery – always searching for that acceptance (from HIM) that I will never, ever receive.

And just when I think I ‘get it’, I fall apart again. And accept someone lying and cheating on me, because it’ll ‘never get any better’.

Thank you, first time poster, can’t think of anyone else who could hear this and still talk to me tomorrow.

New Confession

I wish I knew others that had experienced this before. You dated someone just to find out they’re a narcissist that ends up replacing you with a dangerous criminal and within months the criminal passes away. This criminal wanted to write me a letter using a relatives mailing address and my relative said that she wasn’t getting involved in drama. I forgive but in the back of my mind,I question if God protected me from serious harm. Why do I feel as though this person faked their death and has actually left America when the website for the funeral home is trustworthy and they wouldn’t keep fake obituaries? Why do I feel my ex will find someone else to finish a dirty deed the previous and deceased partner had planned? Seriously, I wonder if anyone else had this experience before.

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I have a deep hate for the self help industry because it’s like its own type of religion…if you just believe and work hard enough, you’ll go to success heaven. I fell for it hard for awhile in the early 2000’s with my attention and money until I finally started opening my eyes to the patterns of BS. One of the patterns I started noticing were wealthy successful people in interviews talk about their similar “homeless to billionaire” origin stories that put them in a light of how hard they worked and scraped to get to where they are now, but almost nothing about the actual steps in between. Step 1: had nothing. Step 2: worked hard. Step 3: billionaire! It drove me nuts because I always ended up with the thought “but how did you actually get there?” They sell the idea of success because everybody loves the rags to riches story and it wouldn’t be so inspiring if they were thoroughly honest about what was available to them that isn’t for most people.