I lied to my wife.

It wasn’t the act that I did that was that bad, but I feel so guilty lying to my wife about it. It’s making it so I can’t sleep at night.

The story is that when I met my wife in February, Jennifer (fake name), who wasn’t my wife at the time, I was living in a different city and traveling down to her city regularly for business. I had broken up with a long-term ex-girlfriend a couple months before meeting Jennifer. I was instantly smitten with Jennifer and she with me and hit off a very good, healthy relationship almost immediately. We chatted online and over the phone frequently and really felt like we were getting to know each other and everything we found out about the other person, we loved. We were a little older, knew what we wanted, and didn’t want to play games, so everything went so smoothly. It was wonderful. She was still going on dates with other people at first, which I honestly didn’t have a problem with. Though one time, she did get drunk and text me that she was thinking about making out with this guy she saw a couple of times, which was very unlike her. She did end up doing it, and not remembering telling me before, but we talked it through and I told her my intentions were to make her my girlfriend when she was ready.

In my home city, before Jennifer made out with that guy, my favorite musician came to town and I didn’t have a ticket. My ex called and said that she had a ticket if I wanted it and that she was going with a couple of my best friends that were friends of hers and I “lost in the divorce.” Since it was with a group and I liked the people a lot, I accepted her ticket and went with her. I was friendly with her but avoided flirting to the point where it hurt her feelings. I had absolutely no desire to be romantically involved with her. I did not tell Jennifer I did that. I didn’t feel like I needed to.

Right before I moved to be in the same city as Jennifer, when I was packing up, I realized I had a couple expensive things of my ex’s still at my house. Things that she might want back. In retrospect, I should have called Jennifer and let her know and let her decide what I should have done with the stuff, but instead I let my ex know I was moving and told her I had some stuff of hers. This was 6 months after we had broken up. She was a little surprised I was moving but said she can come pick up the stuff. I wasn’t planning on being there when she got there. But a couple hours before she was supposed to come, she called me up and asked me if I wanted to go play racquetball with her, something we used to do together. I don’t know why, but I accepted. To this day I still don’t know why. Maybe it was for closure.

We played racquetball, exchanged a hug, and parted ways. Nothing more happened. I never talked to her again.

When I moved, during our first meal together, Jennifer asked me about my ex and I told her I told my ex that I was moving. Jennifer was so hurt that I would have contacted my ex. I said that there were things of hers at my house and I thought the right thing was to give them back. Jennifer almost broke up with me. She asked me if I saw my ex, and I said “No”. I’m not sure why I lied. Well, that’s a lie actually. I lied because I was afraid that I’d lose Jennifer. That she would have been so hurt and would have felt betrayed so I lied.

A year and a half later, I married Jennifer and we’ve been very very happy. Its like a dream marriage.

I honestly think seeing my ex was a stupid, stupid mistake, but it wasn’t a huge deal. Nothing happened. But the lie I told my wife is terrible. I feel like I actually did betray my wife because I lied to her. It’s honestly the only time I’ve really lied. It’s eating me up inside. I want to tell her, but I’m so afraid that our trust will be so hurt, that she’ll think that I essentially cheated on her, and that I’m capable of cheating on her and lying about it in the future. I’m worried it will really hurt my marriage.

But now I think about it every time before I go to sleep and it keeps me awake. I think it’s a self-fulfilling thing though because I think things like “oh, I’m not thinking about lying to Jennifer right now.”… and then I think about it.

I’m having a hard time shaking it. I don’t know what the ultimate right thing to do is. It’s to tell the truth, for sure, but I’m worried that the truth will hurt her way worse than the actual thing I did.

I’d love to get this off my chest. it’s such a stupid, little thing, but it seems really big at the same time.

I’m sorry, Jennifer. I’m sorry for being stupid, for hurting you, and for lying to you. I will never lie to you again. I’m sorry. I love you.