I don’t know how to forgive myself.

I cheated on my boyfriend last december.. And much more than that afterwards.
The first person was a boy who treated me like i was very important and wanted to be my close friend. My aunt had just passed away and i craved the attention, verbally mostly and he would come to my house or meet me at any time or any weather.
My boyfriend did love me and did say so, but he had just started working a night shift and was always busy, and had never been too good at giving advice.
I let things go to far, although we didn’t have s** i let this boy believe i wanted to leave my boyfriend for him, but didn’t. He would listen to my every world and compliment me and told me he would be my therapist… He would physically abuse me when i was sad to help, and let me cut him with a knife when i felt bad too. CLEARLY unhealthy and fucked up.. But in the self destructive state of mind i was in this seemed to momentarily quiet my demons..
He told me many times he would leave his gf for me.
I didn’t even find him attractive.. I had to end it, it was just wrong. I had also gotten drunk on new years and made out with a complete stranger, probably because i wished my bf was there.
We stayed friends, but i eventually told my boyfriend and the boy and i stopped being friends. But not the whole truth. He forgave me, but only because i completely blamed the guy for taking advantage of me… I feel this is partially true, but not entirely.

Months later i seeked out the affections of a boy i met at school, simply because i had no friends. He and i became friends but not the kind you can rely on to be there at lunch every day… I found him very attractive, but would go home to my boyfriend every day and feel happy with him. Eventually i made friends with a female, who also liked him and told him how i felt and hooked up with him right away when i introduced them and is the only reason i ever actually kissed/made out with him. I once ran from the situation, but after that i couldn’t run anymore becUse the only two friends i had made only wanted to make out every time we saw eachother… At this point i knew better..SO WHY DID I WANT IT ENOUGH TO LET IT KEEP HAPPENING?!
One time, i gave the guy a h******* without the female being there and i knew i couldn’t be pleased s******* by anyone else but my boyfriend… So why?
After that i said it was the last time, Nd had not told him any of this.

A few weeks went by and i hadn’t seen the friends i made at school since it ended so when the female aske me to hang out i jumped at the question, even though she has also physically abused me in the past and encouraged me to do things she knew went against my morals… I went.
I told her i quit drinking. She gave me drinks.. She gave me a suspicious drink and we ended up calling over the guy from school and kissing him and stuff.. But then i was chanied down and they had s** with me. I did provoke it but that’s not what i wanted truly. I was totally distraught /physically ill the next day an told my boyfriend i thought i was drugged(which is true) but i didn’t know whether or not something happened, even though i suspected it. He forgave me.

I am currently on a trip to cyprus(greek island) with my family and wasn’t able to enjoy it from guilt . I told him everything. I told him all the things i did but i am still confused about why i wanted to do those things at those times… In my mind during every scenario i knew it was wrong and thought of how i didnt want to hurt my bf. cheating has NEVER been something i even considered until my aunt passed away…
I know at those times i wanted those negative things to happen… But i don’t know why.
I am disgusted with myself and very confused.
He forgave me. Probably only because i told him everything that happened but said i didnt enjoy it and didn’t want it to happen. I wish it hadn’t now and during, but i obviously did at the time or there are many things i could have done to prevent them..

How can i forgive myself for wanting these self destructive things to happen and continue with my future with my boyfriend?