I come from a Pakistani family and was born in Denmark , i grew up loving my family more than anything , i loved them so much that i would cry and beg my mom to take me to my grandparents place or my cousins.When i was around 8 i moved away and it was my first experience with pain that had left me scarred , i didn’t know what to do , the people i loved the most gone.My parents were abusive and had hit me for the smallest of things i had come to the conclusion that they had their own problems and left it at that(i dont forget things , my dad beat my mother every 5-12 months or so on matters that i didn’t know about at the time , it made me feel terrible . I turned to God , prayed for happiness yet it never came as nothing changed while i was here. After a couple of months at English language lessons i had decided that i wanted to be a chemist as i enjoyed spending my money of science kits and taking things apart to build new things , i confronted my parents with my dream but it was shot down as it was “Not a real job , and unreliable” , now that im older i understand that they were right but my life up to that point was an uphill battle , they did not notice as they had their own problems , nevertheless it affected me as i gave up on the dream and just what they told me to do . When i turned 9 i looked on what i had achieved since everyone around me seemed different , i realized that i had to social or ethical knowledge of the world or in an easier way no conversational skills or friends. This made me so sad that i decided to commit suicide , i went into the kitchen on a school night at around 12 am and grabbed a kitchen knife and proceeded to slit my throat , there was enough pressure being applied but no movement , my sister then walked in which startled me causing my hand to slip and drop the knife straight into my hand , there is a scar to this day.I decided not to kill myself as i believed that my parents would change if i asked them to , they would move back to Denmark if i asked them to and that they would not fight anymore , i made a promise to myself that i would learn to get along with people and do whatever made my parents happy.
After a long struggle and constant crying my parents decided to move back , however it did not happen due to my mother not being comfortable with it, this also made me feel extremely sad and it also made me develop a short temper when it came to my mom.My parents did stop hitting me after i asked them not to , it even seemed like they had worked things out , my grades were average , and i had learnt how to make friends and hold a conversation , also i had learned that people can me manipulated , you tell them what they want to hear and they respond positively willing to help you and be your friend , i understood at the time that this was wrong however i wanted to understand more so i stocked up on science and psychology ( like Philip Zimardo) and read up.
When i entered the 8th grade i decided to try out what i had studied ( i hope people will forgive me for doing this i really am sorry ) i proceeded to try it out with small white lies bending people towards me , people that those lies appealed to. Obviously they figured out that i was lying and it went back to normal , also leaving me depressed for trying to experiment on people , it left me questioning my sanity for a while , thankfully no one at the school knew what those lies meant or bothered to ask so as far as they were concerned it was just me looking for attention , which it may have been , i got off easy then .
I had just finished off my IGCSE’s and summer had just begun , waterparks with friends and drinking ( i had converted to an atheist , another long boring story there).Everything seemed so good i was actually happy my promise was coming true.After a month of having fun my parents started to argue 3 weeks went by , my father repeatedly coming home late , echos of my mother crying while he was out would engulf the rooms , he was cheating on her with someone else, my mother then told me everything about our family and why we moved.
When they got married my fathers side of the family , my grandparents including one of my aunts , abused my mother into working constantly including taking care of me , and soon my sister , they would threaten to kick her and me out on the streets if she did not manage the entire house or pay for bills , you see my mom worked in a kindergarten with no danish skills , she cooked and cleaned , then after saving up she learnt danish and continued to pay for the entire family 3 aunts , 2 grandparents and our family of 4 . It got to a point were my mom refused and my “beloved” grandparents grabbed me ( 3-5 years old) by the neck and threatened my mother , my mom threatened to call the police ( my dad did not know about any of this as his side of the family the one aunt and my grandparents deceived him and lied to him blaming it all on my mom ) my grandparents told my mother that she had threatened to call the police on them for no reason , my dad snapped and slapped my mother , and that was my first memory that i remember.My parents settled it out ( i assume the other aunts told my dad the truth) and we moved out of the house to another location , the problem did not go away as my grandparents and one of my aunts would corrupt my dads mind and try to convince him that my mom would be cheating on him , which was obviously not true as i was with her 24/7 ( my dad was a freelancer) , eventually he got a job in Dubai and me moved over but the arguing didn’t stop.
Here i am now with my family broken as my father had just cheated on my mom , i expect a divorce in the near future but im not worried as i had expected as much . I am worried because my dream of being a professional boxer will never happen at this rate , my grades were standard i passed but i will not be allowed to enter a school since they are not up to par with their demands ( i left my other school ) , my grades are bad so i had decided to leave my boxing career alone and focus on my grades , my friends are still here but as i have come to realize they will all leave after i change my school and go to college .
My entire life was a lie , i loved my family but they made me suffer and my mom , now that we are working this out i can only look to the future , i have decided to leave my family as soon as i can , i want to go far away where none of these problems will ever affect me , my mom has fixed up her life and is happy , my dad i have forgiven , but i am not happy , i love boxing , i find my self shadow boxing in my sleep as well as dreaming about it , i cant sit still knowing that i have abandoned my only chance of having a dream , of being happy , i know now that i will never be happy if im with my family and that i need to move out and take control of my own life but im only 17 , sure theres another year left but all the things i lived for are gone except boxing my sister and my mother , i dont know if i want to be happy or if my sister and mother deserve a better life , i can help my sister as she is not aware of our family matters (i plan on telling her when she gets a bit older ) i might be able to guide her to have a better life than me , my mom can start over as she had made friends with someone in a similar situation . I am left alone , i can be with my mother or sister as i will only be reminded of my past and i have to friends that will take me in or help me , i need to be a private student for a year and then complete the 11th grade , i need to guide my sister into becoming a better person , sure my parents can help but they have a very warped view due to the past.
I hope that i can have a better future but as it seems now , i am only living for the sake of others , my grades dont allow me to have fun , i need to study harder to get the grades that i need to finish off A levels but at the same time i feel empty i dont like it , i have never told this story to anyone as i plan to die with it. Good bye to who ever has read my story and thank you for your time .