I still look at the facebook profile of my ex. I deleted every photo of us and I have no thoughts of getting back together with her. We were on again, off again, for three years. We even had the most amicable, perfect breakup. Then, we got back together because stupidly, I was too weak to say no when she kept texting me.

I’m in a happy relationship now and I want to get married to my girlfriend. But there is a guilt there, about my ex. I feel like I knew this would happen from the beginning, and yet I dated her anyway. I keep trying to convince myself that she is an adult and she made her own decisions. But, like a cut that won’t heal, I keep scratching at the scab, just to watch it bleed. I look at her facebook profile and I wonder, “Is she ok?” I feel guilty because it seems like I still think about her, but to be honest, it’s more like I think about the mistake I made and that guilt keeps gnawing at me. I should have never dated her. I knew I never wanted to marry her and I made that clear, but there is still a heavy burden of guilt that weighs on me. The crazy thing is, when I see photos of her, I feel happy that she is moving on. She cut her hair short, probably because she knew I liked it long. She’s posting on Facebook again and it really seems like she’s over me.

When I look at her profile, the fear is that she won’t be ok. That she’ll be depressed and sad. Every bit of news is proof that she’s moving on. I want to know I’m erased from her life, that I am just some guy in her past.

And then I notice she’s wearing the necklace I got her, the one she stopped wearing the first time we broke up. She still has the keychain I bought her, one of the first things I ever gave her. When we broke up for the last time, she said she threw away everything that related to me and I remember the overwhelming feeling of relief. I guess those last few artifacts of our time together still weigh on me. They’re the last vestiges of our relationship and I wish she’d let them all go.

The fact that I’m even thinking of her and wishing for her happiness is why I feel guilty. I wish it would all just go away.