I’ve never told anyone, but I’ve thought about suicide quite a lot, increasingly so in the past few months. I’m an Aquarius, and while I prefer to use logic and reason rather than some silly astrological chart to deluge a professional with my problems, I’ve found better answers in that damn chart than in the entire scientific community.
I’m sick of trying to change a world and have it work against me. I’m tired of listening to the verbose, empty speeches of our leaders, whom have not earned that title, and I am sick of wasting what precious years I have on their shoddy civil-accouterments. Even those who say they will support me, don’t. I understand too much, all too well, but it still frustrates me to no end. I cherish life.
But I also cherish peace, of my mind, and of others. I don’t want to leave and hurt my loved ones. But if your presence won’t make much of a difference, what choice does one have? To add to the overpopulation, the multitude, the masses, that laze about all day? I refuse! I can’t go overseas with the Peace Corps, I can’t go into politics, can’t become a lawyer… The best solution, career-wise, I’ve managed to concoct is being a librarian. It has a surprising amount of room for creativity. But… Intelligence and true wit has become an anathema to the social environment. I’m ready to snap, ready to become a vigilante. But I do not wish to bring harm upon another. Not out of anger, or spite. That is wrong. I want true justice to reign, but again, our society deems it practically illicit. They are senseless fools! The majority! Pah!
I love puzzles, and challenges, but stupidity? I can accept people as they are, but nonetheless I wish to alter them or else alter human law to better conditions surrounding our circumstances. How many suffer from the impunity of others? I’m sick of Capitalism, and our economic systems. It isn’t even sustainable! We’ll deplete our resources too soon, too quick… I’ve done so much research. The more I know, the more I wish I was ignorant, and blissful.
Before the world kills itself, I want to “get out of Dodge” while I still can.
I am sick of being forced to focus on a volatile future, and court and curry favor from an acrasial hand that is as quick to slap as it is to pat.
I am told I have a bright mind. But I can’t put it to use.
I’ve tried to establish off-grid communities, and even my own “religion,” which would allow those who partake to be free from the restrictions placed upon us by our wayward government. (I’ve also proposed a third party, one of Independence, one of SCIENCE, and LOGIC, with no religious attachments)… But, to no avail. It pertained to schooling, revolutionary ideas, the implementation of technology that would benefit everyone, including the environment…
Our Constitution has been pervaded by a foul creature, and its name is Greed.
I’ve devised actual laws, petitions… All my hard work is thrown back into my face! I do not wish to give up, but I am beginning to think I can do more good dead than alive–especially if I die in a most horrible way. The media thrives on that sort of “tragedy.” The Common are addicted to struggle and death and HORROR. Perhaps if I kill myself, my work will be read and utilized. I know it will be so around where I live. Two high-schoolers have already killed themselves, and boy they couldn’t shut up about it! They don’t understand, and I have proposed changes… They attempt to bring solace to those who aren’t even there. Their words fall on deaf ears. They. Are. Dense. Brain-dead, imbeciles!
I am simply adapting to this cruel dimension.
As it is said in many Aquarius’ descriptions, we are years ahead of everyone else. We are both logical and illogical. Illogical, because we feel intensely, and our thought processes (the “trains of thought”) appear to be neither here nor there, yet everywhere. Logical, because we do our best to separate from those emotions to make shrewd decisions and come out mostly victorious.
We feel that showing our emotions can be a sign of weakness or vulnerability. We tend to live inside our heads. We want to be right. We aren’t afraid to admit we are wrong, but only IF an argument proves stronger than our own. So far, I see more reason to die than to live. The only thing that entails more vacillations/uncertainty is my mother, and my younger sister. I love them, dearly. But I feel trapped because of them. Them, and the entire world.
There are very, very few people I can say I feel comfortable debating with, or actually, truthfully, SINCERELY, no matter what they are doing or where we are, I want to be with.
If I could drop everyone and survive, I would. But that isn’t the case. I can’t simply destroy half the world and pick and choose whom I want to keep around. I can’t replace the entire government. I can’t personally be present to screen and watch corporations and their heads.
Every controversial topic? Abortion, racism, religion? I’ve already found appropriate conduits and designs in which they could be fixed, solved, or better expressed, and proffered them, but everyone is so afraid of CHANGE (no matter how SMALL–yes, I’ve made plenty of compromises, found new solutions that would be more “palatable”). They are afraid of what COULD BE WORSE than what they have. So they stick to the conventional. That is NOT me.
I don’t want to “go with the flow.” But they make it impossible to do otherwise!
I want to die and be rid of these mortal binds. If I am doomed to oblivion, well, all the better. No more pain. No more sadness. No more anger, frustration. No more potential to commit wrong. The universe will surely continue to expand and whatnot.
If I am doomed to some manner of Hell, or purgatory, well, so be it. I am prepared. I honestly think Earth is hell, which might explain why those with good in their hearts always die too early. They’ve earned the right out. Or they were mistakes. Misplaced.
If I must, I would rather not go to Heaven. I’d have more than a few bones to pick with a God (the Gods), and Angels, and whatever else could be there. Surly sons of…
To live now, is to be evil. Funny, don’t you think? Evil, backwards, is live? English is ironic and dull.

My mind is in shambles.

This is more of a rant, I suppose. But it was because I thought I should expound. It’s a bit too… trite? To simply go, “I considered suicide.” For me. Not for others. For others, it may take a lot of courage, a lot of strength, to admit that. It comes a bit too naturally for me.

Perhaps instead, I should instead say, “I have been thinking I should abandon this world.” I despise myself for feeling thusly, but it is truth, and therefore I must speak it.