I spent the better part of my young adult like having a crush on someone. As i got older i molded this person into the perfect guy for me. For some reason i kept telling myself that no matter what happened in life or how i looked he would see me again after 6 years and think that i’m the one for him. I didn’t realize how pathetic i was until i did see him again and the look on his face…….disapointment,suprise,indifference made me want to curl into myself and never come out. I don’t think i’ve ever cried so heard or ached so much. I used someone who at that point was a relative stranger as my escape from life. Whenever I felt alone or sad or had trouble in my life i would reach out to him…text him and i never realized how crazy that seemed…how desperate. A kid he barely knew still trying to contact him after years of not seeing him or speaking to him. I mean there’s social media and everything else and barely a blip on the radar. I’m more embarrased than anything. I’m don’t want to be me. The guys i talk to i’m either mean to or they realize what a f*** wit i am and then awkwardly avoid me. I keep getting more and more withered on the outside. I keep letting myself go. Slowly but surely i’m turning into the person i feel like on the inside on the outside. Everyday i feel a dull ache and i cover it the best i can but when i close my bedroom door the tornado thats inside shows my true inner turmoil. Nobody can understand that. I don’t want pity or sympathy. People’s lives are moving on but my light just seems to be growing more and more dim. It hurts but the ridiculous part is that i don’t want to stop it