I’ve been feeling so good these past few weeks and with the job offer, soclialising without consequence and just being able to do more without early fatigue kicking in; I have now just realised for the longest time I’ve been kind of been getting through these past few years on autopilot. Not breaking down but not living either. The thought of going back there scares the living s*** out of me. Like paralysing fear! I’ve been lying in bed since 9 last night and the closer it gets to sunrise the more I panic that what if its not the news I want?
I wasn’t scared before about dying, but suddenly the realisation that; today is the day I find out once and for all if my options have run out I am starting to get sick to my stomach. I feel like the beast of burden that would attack ferociously and viciously on my mom if I share this with her. Especially now, this week with the death of her father. I’m not worried about what happens to me when I go, I am worried about everyone else. Keeping everyone else at peace is the most exhausing part of cancer and at a time when I just don’t feel I have it in me to do it, is probably the time I need to do it the most. I don’t want to let everyone down. I don’t want them to feel I’ve given up. as if I should’ve considered the stoma when it was still an option. I feel like such a selfish c***, not wanting to get one based on pride and now suddenly realising that I’ve not only dissapointed people but failed them. Truly and honestly failed them. Sure, I probably would have been unhappy for a while trying to get used to living with a stoma, but maybe I would’ve come to accept it and in the process, I wouldn’t have let everyone down and kept them happy. Should I have done that? I’m not used to second guessing myself. I’m feeling way out of my depth here.