I’m acting totally in control and stable, wearing this illusion that my life is good to my friends. I’m making plans to visit them this summer and go travelling with them next summer. The reality is that I am holding on tight to the hope that I can successfully commit suicide before then.

Second of all I missed my best friend from high schools wedding yesterday because Ithe night before I needed to escape – I went out to party the night before by myself. I ended up giving a pushy guy who barely cared for my name a b*******, he came on my face and left. I went back out to sneak into a club my plam was to dance the weird feelings away but the feeling of overwhelming self hatred and guilt is clinging to me like cobwebs. I ended up in a threatening situation with two men, one of them did time for possessing a firealarm. Part of me wanted them to murder me.

I feel like my foot is on the accelerator and I don’t want to stop.