My parents and I…if you were to ask me if they and I were close, my automatic answer would be, “Yes, of course”. Any person who simply saw how my parents and I interacted with each other would agree that our relationship IS close. In reality, I f****** hate my parents– Not really them themselves. I hate all their expectations of me. I hate that they see me as a great kid yet when I voice my problems they look at me as if I turned into a different person. They look at me like I’m weak. I look at them and see pity and blame. They blame me for my depression, OCD, and anxiety. The fact that they always push me to be perfect ever since I was a kid…they don’t recognize the pressure they put on me.
“You got a B. Well, it’s an 89 so you clearly could have done better…but the world isn’t going to end. You’ll just study harder next time, right?”
Instead of being proud for any attempt at trying on my part, I get a “Do better next time.” They don’t acknowledge my below average actions. I only have their attention when I do something spectacular. Because of them, I am so terrified of the thought of failing or performing under par. I stress myself out and work without giving myself time to play. I hate myself and them for my being this way. I wish I could accomplish tasks without considering and focusing on how my parents will react. I wish they would stop pushing me as hard. I wish I could know what I want and not get confused with what everyone (specifically my parents) want.
I’m too stressed for my hound age. I’m not even out of high school (this is going to be my senior year) and already am I dependent on alcohol when I have a less than satisfying day filled with what I think of failures. All because my parents expect me to be consistently perfect in everything I do or try to do. Asians aren’t the only people with strict parents…
If I don’t get out of here…killing myself hasn’t really worked, but dammit I’ll be sure to make it work if I’m not free from my parents by the end of this school year. I don’t need their support. I’d rather be homeless and without a college degree than still in a house with them. That is a lot to say for someone like me. I’m not too privileged but I’m not poor either.