when i was 15, about a year ago, i was being homeschooled. so one day, when i was online checking my facebook; i started conversing with a guy from another country, on the other side of the world. Finland. i live in the United States. over the course of an entire year, we began to talk almost every day; and by the end of the year, we knew so much about each other; more than anyone we knew personally. we both confided in each other so much; it felt like we had known each other for our entire lives. but before we we became really good friends, i lied to him many times. i told him i lived in a different country than i did; and lied about moving, where i went to school, my parents job, my entire nationality, my birthplace, and some the languages i knew. as we became closer, i really began to regret this, and couldnt confess to him in fear that i would lose him. in the beginning of 2009, he went away to the army, and we lost contact. at this point, i had done a lot of thinking; about him. & about me. i really missed him. i felt really stupid for having a crush on a guy ive never met; but at the same time, i really liked him. i wanted to see him so badly. i began to think about him every day we wouldnt speak. thinking about how my life would be if he was in my life for real. i began to daze off thinking about how i could get a plane ticket there … i knew it would never happen; but i wished it could. things began to remind me of him. i wanted to remember him. in fact, on new years second 2009, i kissed my window with a lipgloss imprint to him. it is still there; it is now September 4th. I also cut myself for the first time in my life in August; i carved his first initial into my leg & smeared the blood next to the kiss imprint on my window. during summer 2009, i took a trip to Germany, before i flew across the ocean, i saved his phone number into my itouch; and when i got there i went to a phonebooth in the city. At the phonebooth, i dialed his number for the first time; and to my surprise a woman picked up. All she said was ‘Hallo ? Hallo’ i didnt say anything, convinced that she was German. He is Finnish, so this coulnt be right. I couldnt believe it, so i called back. The same woman picked up. I thought I had the wrong number, but when i got home to the United States, i double checked and that WAS his number. Now, He is back from the army and off to Uni; we barely speak at all now. &. when we do speak it is so awkward. it makes me sad, because we used to be able to talk for hours on end about everything. and now, its difficult to say hello. i really miss our conversations & feel really weird that i feel like this about someone ive never met. I am beginning to regret all these feelings that ive had; and im starting to hate him, as he constantly brags about girls to me. & when we do talk now, its all about him =/ i dont know whats happened to him. but i cant do ANYTHING about it. i have to let him go. ive never told a SOUL about my experience. he was one of the only guys ive ever felt like this about.
