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a first experience, Other
15 years
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when i was 15, about a year ago, i was being homeschooled. so one day, when i was online checking my facebook; i started conversing with a guy from another country, on the other side of the world. Finland. i live in the United States. over the course of an entire year, we began to talk almost every day; and by the end of the year, we knew so much about each other; more than anyone we knew personally. we both confided in each other so much; it felt like we had known each other for our entire lives. but before we we became really good friends, i lied to him many times. i told him i lived in a different country than i did; and lied about moving, where i went to school, my parents job, my entire nationality, my birthplace, and some the languages i knew. as we became closer, i really began to regret this, and couldnt confess to him in fear that i would lose him. in the beginning of 2009, he went away to the army, and we lost contact. at this point, i had done a lot of thinking; about him. & about me. i really missed him. i felt really stupid for having a crush on a guy ive never met; but at the same time, i really liked him. i wanted to see him so badly. i began to think about him every day we wouldnt speak. thinking about how my life would be if he was in my life for real. i began to daze off thinking about how i could get a plane ticket there … i knew it would never happen; but i wished it could. things began to remind me of him. i wanted to remember him. in fact, on new years second 2009, i kissed my window with a lipgloss imprint to him. it is still there; it is now September 4th. I also cut myself for the first time in my life in August; i carved his first initial into my leg & smeared the blood next to the kiss imprint on my window. during summer 2009, i took a trip to Germany, before i flew across the ocean, i saved his phone number into my itouch; and when i got there i went to a phonebooth in the city. At the phonebooth, i dialed his number for the first time; and to my surprise a woman picked up. All she said was ‘Hallo ? Hallo’ i didnt say anything, convinced that she was German. He is Finnish, so this coulnt be right. I couldnt believe it, so i called back. The same woman picked up. I thought I had the wrong number, but when i got home to the United States, i double checked and that WAS his number. Now, He is back from the army and off to Uni; we barely speak at all now. &. when we do speak it is so awkward. it makes me sad, because we used to be able to talk for hours on end about everything. and now, its difficult to say hello. i really miss our conversations & feel really weird that i feel like this about someone ive never met. I am beginning to regret all these feelings that ive had; and im starting to hate him, as he constantly brags about girls to me. & when we do talk now, its all about him =/ i dont know whats happened to him. but i cant do ANYTHING about it. i have to let him go. ive never told a SOUL about my experience. he was one of the only guys ive ever felt like this about.

New Confession

I met my friend in August of 2022. We met over a fandom for a YouTuber we both liked, we’d talk, shade headcanons, write, and the like. She was wonderful. She was perfect, so sweet and kind, loving, caring, passionate. Of course I fell in love with her.

Something in my mind at some point, I don’t know where, just seemed to break. I saw her as this absolutely perfect, flawless angel. Someone above me, someone above feeling the ways I do, someone so perfect she couldn’t possibly be upset by me. So I put more and more on my angel. She can’t feel bad, she’s perfect. It’s wrong, but that’s how my mind was working. I still see her as someone so beautiful and amazing.

I professed my love to her. She didn’t want it. But I pushed her on, continually telling her I loved her, over and over again professing my feelings and pretty much BEGGING for her to love me back. She didn’t want it yet I pressed on, spamming her with love declarations at LEAST weekly, hoping that maybe someday she’d change her mind.

But that’s not even the end of it. No, she was either perfect or evil to me. And whatever set me to treating her like my perfect savior angel, it all came crashing back down in reverse. All over YouTube drama. The moment she did something I didn’t perceive as perfect, I snapped. That YouTube channel we both like had been called out for being an abuser and I said it was unacceptable to keep watching and giving exposure to him, she said I should just let people enjoy things. I made an angry post about how everyone who liked that channel was enabling his abuse, got banned from the community, and I was desperate to come back. They were my only friends.

I made an alt account to pretty much stalk my angel, I was jealous and controlling and paranoid over her finding someone better than me and leaving me now that she was upset at me. I joined back in the servers I wasn’t allowed in. I listened in to a call she was in. At the same time, I was messaging her on my main account, pretty much yelling at her about how she’s funding and platforming an abuser. On my alt, I would act all sweet, I knew my relationship with her was already ruined so I thought if I became someone else, someone better, someone ideal, she’d love me.

This was the end for us. She found me out and completely cut me off, then later I was sent a document detailing everything I’ve done and that I abused her, broke her mentally, and made it so she can’t trust anyone anymore.

Reddit . Com / u / Raincandy-Angel

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Related Confessions

I met my friend in August of 2022. We met over a fandom for a YouTuber we both liked, we’d talk, shade headcanons, write, and the like. She was wonderful. She was perfect, so sweet and kind, loving, caring, passionate.

In February of that same year I got on BC pills and it ruined me mentally. Threw me into the worst depression I’ve ever felt. I’ve never really gotten along with my peers, my parents told me I’d feel better when I’m in college and I just need to find a purpose, my doctor just threw more pills that didn’t even work at me. Only she could save me. I told her everything. Piling up thought after thought onto her, using her like a therapist. Everything felt better when I had her attention and validation, when I was with her, I felt so seen and heard and loved. Basically, I used her for attention and validation. Over. And over. And over. For months. I refused to seek therapy because I was scared a therapist would say nothing is wrong, I’m just too sensitive, or I’m making it up. I was terrified that I’d have official, professional confirmation that I’m just a bad person, a drama queen, and I’m an attention seeker. (And that’s exactly what ended up happening around a year later, a therapist told me I’m normal, so I have no mental issues at play that could’ve caused any of this.)

Around that time I started cutting and I’d always tell her about it, always wanting her sympathy, her pity. She said she didn’t want to hear about it, but I pressed forward anyways. She said she didn’t want to be a therapist, but I continued on. I never knew until later that she struggled with the same things and my actions made her relapse. I could have killed her with my actions. She could have gone too deep or starved too much, I could have killed her. I’m lucky she’s even still alive. She was strong enough to never tell me any of this until nearly a year later meanwhile I told her about every tiny thing that happened to me.

Of course I fell in love with her.

Something in my mind at some point, I don’t know where, just seemed to break. I saw her as this absolutely perfect, flawless angel. Someone above me, someone above feeling the ways I do, someone so perfect she couldn’t possibly be upset by me. So I put more and more on my angel. She can’t feel bad, she’s perfect. It’s wrong, but that’s how my mind was working. I still see her as someone so beautiful and amazing.

I professed my love to her. She didn’t want it. But I pushed her on, continually telling her I loved her, over and over again professing my feelings and pretty much BEGGING for her to love me back. She didn’t want it yet I pressed on, spamming her with love declarations at LEAST weekly, hoping that maybe someday she’d change her mind.

But that’s not even the end of it. No, she was either perfect or evil to me. And whatever set me to treating her like my perfect savior angel, it all came crashing back down in reverse. All over YouTube drama. The moment she did something I didn’t perceive as perfect, I snapped. That YouTube channel we both like had been called out for abuse of people behind the scenes and I said it was unacceptable to keep watching and giving exposure to them, she said I should just let people enjoy things. I made an angry post about how everyone who liked that channel was enabling the abuse, got banned from the community, and I was desperate to come back. They were my only friends.

I made an alt account to pretty much stalk my angel, I was jealous and controlling and paranoid over her finding someone better than me and leaving me now that she was upset at me. I joined back in the servers I wasn’t allowed in. I listened in to a call she was in. At the same time, I was messaging her on my main account, pretty much yelling at her about how she’s funding and platforming an abuser. On my alt, I would act all sweet, I knew my relationship with her was already ruined so I thought if I became someone else, someone better, someone ideal, she’d love me.

This was the end for us. She found me out and completely cut me off, then later I was sent a document detailing everything I’ve done and that I abused her, broke her mentally, and made it so she can’t trust anyone anymore.

Raincandy-Angel

3 Views