I’m 24 years old, and I don’t know what it means to have fun anymore. Well, my age kind of fun. I’ve got three beautiful children whose ages range from 4 years old to 4 months old. My husband is on a date tonight but not with me. We’re polyamorous , you see. He’s found someone that might be good for our family, and tonight is their first date. Them, together. Me, here with the three rugrats. I’m not jealous of them, which to some might see totally bizarre. I’m jealous of the fun they’re having. I was 20 when I had my first child, so I had one year post-high school to do the whole “fun-and-fancy-free” scene that a lot are still experiencing. I do not for one second regret any of my children! And yet, apart of me wishes that I had waited just a little bit longer. I feel in love with my husband so hard, and fast. I wanted to start and family with him, and he with me. We have made a beautiful family together, and our love still burns hot. It’s just…I don’t remember what it feels like to be young. I feel older beyond my years. I haven’t bought new pants for myself since god know when, and the only reason I have new shirts is because I’m breastfeeding. I’m here fussing at my older two to stay in bed at eleven o’clock at night, and he’s had “a few margaritas while they bowl”. I want to do that. I want so bad just to let my “Mom” half go for just a few hours, and be “woman going out with her husband.” I just don’t know if I can do that any more, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me that I can’t let go, that I can’t be young. I don’t know what I’m even saying anymore…He’s wanted to take me out, and either that babies where too young for me to feel comfortable leaving,or that timing ended up not being right. The last time we went out it was before our youngest was born, and he had had an appendectomy less than a week before. My folks were visiting so we took hold of the chance, but it was…lacking in some ways. We were both so uncomfortable that even though we enjoyed each other’s company, it wasn’t that best time we’d had together, if that makes sense. I hate this feeling, it feels like such a selfish emotion, like I’m not allowed to be anything other than Mom.