I’m so incredibly lost and torn, that I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I have never felt so alone, worthless, devalued, forgotten, neglected, lied to, used, angry, afraid, lost, hurt, burdensome, useless, or stripped of my identity as a human.

This has been the worst week of my life…and I imagine that it’s going to get worse in the not so distant future. This time last year, the number of people who loved me unconditionally (at least I had assumed so) was 4. As of yesterday that number is two. One who still swears they love me but could honestly care less if I were around tomorrow or not. The other, my grandmother, I loved and cared about so much, and she loved and cared about me so much…But yesterday she passed in her sleep. I now have 2 left, my parents, who are both getting on in years and both have incredibly poor health. I imagine within the next decade I will be completely solitary.

I mostly put myself in this situation. I guess I deserve it? I’m not really sure what I did to get here but I know that I mostly allow it to happen so it must be my fault that everything is going this way.

I would never willingly harm myself, but a massive part of me really hopes that I don’t wake up tomorrow…