(this is really long sorry lol)
i have never hated myself so much, it’s something many people go through where they can’t stand a single thing about themselves but it just hurts so much and everybody says it will pass, you’ll love yourself sooner than you think but i’ve been trying to move past from my self-loathing for the past 3-4 years and i haven’t made any progress. i keep trying to be positive but it’s hard, every time i think of myself all i can think of is how i always fail to find anything good about my appearance OR my personality. the worst part of this is that a lot of my self loathing stems from my constant state of loneliness (that sounds corny, doesn’t it? oh well) because in my entire life, about..4 people have shown any sort of romantic interest in me (that’s not very many people considering my age). this leads me to think, “well, if not many people find me attractive, i guess i must be unattractive.” and it’s just gotten worse and worse and worse to the point where i can’t even bring myself to accept one compliment. of course, i don’t want people to think i’m seeking attention by saying “no i’m not/no i don’t/etc”, so rather than say “thank you” and just ACCEPT the compliment i usually just say “okay” and smile which usually ends up looking like a grimace. i’m pretty sure this makes me come off as rude, as well as the fact that i’m always far too nervous/afraid to speak to anybody, so i think everyone just assumes i hate them. the fact that i always look mildly angry doesn’t help. i’ve had good days, where i kind of like myself, i think, “hm. i’m okay.” but then by night when i have so much time to think it all goes away and the negative thoughts come back. it’s just so embarrassing too, i’ve never really dated anyone because i’m too scared to communicate, which means i haven’t had a first kiss, or hardly a first anything like that so then when people find out, their usual reaction is “WHAT WOW YOU HAVEN’T HAD YOUR FIRST *insert something here* WOW” and THEN it’s even worse when they ask why. see, how are you supposed to answer to “why haven’t you kissed anyone?” do you say what you’re really thinking (“nobody wants to kiss me”), do you try to be sarcastic and joke about it, or do you lie and say you have done whatever they asked you about? i hate even talking about this stuff with anybody, because for the past three years it seems like all they can do is say “you’ll find somebody!” and if that’s true, why haven’t i yet? and then when i think that, it returns to all the reasons i hate myself. so now, since i hate myself so much, i figure everyone else feels the same way about me, so i distance myself, which makes me even lonelier because i’m just so afraid of people seeing me how i see myself. i think i’m ugly, i think i’m stupid, i think i’m annoying, i think i’m uninteresting, i think i’m so many negative things and i just assume that’s how everybody else feels. it s**** even more when people DO really see me as i see myself, that just contributes to it. “oh, i was right. i am *something negative here*.” i just don’t know how to move past this, i’ve tried so hard.