I just want somewhere to post my feelings without anyone I know seeing this…. I feel my whole life is in disarray. I still live with my dad, but I’m in constant danger about losing our apartment and being homeless….We rely on the check we get from the government, but if they find out I haven’t been going to school lately, they will stop sending my dad money and we can’t pay for rent. My dad is mentally ill and cannot work, but I, on the other hand, have mental demons of my own and find it near impossible to go to school (I’m a teenager)on a regular basis, so I pretend to go, when actually I stay home. The guilt eats away at me. On top of this, no matter what I do, my dad always thinks I manipulate him no matter what I do. What scares me is I don’t know if I’m the one at fault, or if he’s just being paranoid. Lately whenever we have a conversation, it ends in a fight and I feel he needs space from me, but he won’t admit it….Every time he gets mad he loses his temper and tells me to f*** off or something and it’s hurtful, but some part of me wonders if it really is my doing….I do know I can be controlling, it’s something I’ve worked on, but…..I guess I just want him to step up and be an adult. I still blame him for a lot of stuff in my life, and besides knowing he has depression, I still judge him for not working and providing when I needed him, emotionally or with physical things such as enough food. I just need to know what to do. I’ve also been having an issue with my relationships. No matter what, I seemed destined to be alone. I seem to end up liking people too much who have no interest in me that way. Right now I have a girlfriend (I’m gay), and I really like her….as a friend. I have to admit I’m in love with someone else, my best friend. But she doesn’t want me romantically, so I feel as though I’m only with my girlfriend because there’s no one else right now….I want to fall in love with her, but we’ve been together over a year and it hasn’t happened….It doesn’t help that she lives in a different country…..The guilt just tears me apart, and I’m having a lot of stomach problems because of the anxiety. I have a psychologist but I still feel like no one understands me. I’m tired of being seen as the bad guy, or someone without conscience. I don’t want to be selfish, and I truly don’t know if I am…..But what I do know is that either way, I feel like s*** for what I’ve done and for what is being done to me. I’m so alone….