Last November, we completed our second Frozen Embryo Transfer, transferring three frozen embryos to my uterus. We were initially successful with twins. But then we lost one twin. Still, we had one viable embryo. Until week 12 when an ultrasound revealed there were problems that the doctor couldn’t explain. I was alone when he told me that “nature would likely take it’s course within the next couple of weeks.”

But I didn’t miscarry. Subsequent ultrasounds revealed severe problems: megacystis (enlarged bladder), spina bifida, clubfoot, and an anatomically abnormal right leg with a missing foot. The doctors assured us that the baby, my baby, wouldn’t survive birth.

On March 13, 2014, I had an abortion, AKA termination for medical reasons, of my 18-week baby girl who was too sick to survive birth.

I am broken and will never be “over it” or healed. I don’t remember what it feels like to be happy anymore. And I have very few places to seek comfort–groups, forums and support systems for those who have lost a child are typically populated by those who had a child either before or after their loss. It’s just not the same. While they may empathize, they still go home to their children. I never will.

It’s over and I’m angry. I have been abandoned by both God and science.