I’m officially comeplete, utter s***. I don’t open up to people that much at all so I guess I’ll just spill out in here to somehow realizes what I’m feeling. I can no longer deny that I’m not depressed, well moderately depressed. My insecurities have grown over the last couple years to a point where I’m weak against it. I don’t care what anyone says anymore. I simply can’t believe it. I am ugly. I’m worthles. A burden. A bother. I’m boring. I’m to weird. To awkward. I’m not fun. Not worth anyone’s time. I over think things to much And panic over it in fear of creating a mess. I’m way to annoying and I make so many mistakes. I f*** up everything and I mean everything.I feel like I’m growing anxiety and if I had the Will power if probably starve a bit till I’m not so fat. I don’t want to be really skinny, just somewhat. I’d probably cut myself too, and I’ve tried but was to much of a whuss to actually go through and see my own blood seep out a deep scratch on my wrist. Mom, I’m sorry for everything. I know I get quick pissy additude and I’ve been such a disappointment to you for a long time but I can’t help how I am I can’t even explain it well. Just you never understand me, and I’d never actually try to get you to cause even though your my mother I could never see that happening. Grandma, I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’m sorry for how quickly I get frustrated with everything and get mad and disappoint you too. I’m sorry for always f****** up and I get your only being helpful in your own way, but when you nag about so many things and what I do I can’t but feel like a failure even though you never intend that..Brother, were close but I’ve noticed we haven’t exactly been the same since I’ve started high school. I’m sorry if I’ve been to distant from you at times and become to much of a jerk to you. Friends, I’m sorry for the times where I become annoying to a point where it’s just awful. I just feel so much social pressure that I get awkward sometimes and stay to myself to a pint where I’m just a bore. And to the guy I love.. I’m sorry for all I’ve done. If I’ve bothered you by always saying how I care for you and worry when those things would happen but you didn’t want me to stress over it to much. I’m sorry for the countless times I’ve simply said “I’m fine,” when you asked if I’m okay. I’m never truly fine anymore I just keep most things away from you because I don’t want my inner self to seperate us. I’m sorry for being confused about my feelings before and how that joke came off wrong and I sened different.. Everything I said though about just loving you was true though. But I’m still confused on my feelings. I do only want you, but out other difficulties but a strain on it till I can meet you soon and I’m so afraid you’d reject me and not be what you wanted. I honestly wish I wouldn’t drag you into who I am. You may not have always did the best things but your just so perfect that you deserve the best and I’m clearly not that.. I just want you happy and I’m scared of dimming that down. I now see how I really am. All of this, all of this is me basically. I’m a screw up. A pissy b**** with mixed emotions on everything and I need to find a way to fix myself but right now I just can’t.