I am a 22 yr. old female who lives on her own in the US. I rent and live with my boyfriend of three and a half years. The guy I’ve been with has put me through hell in the last three years we have been together but I stuck by his side fearing that I would be alone. He has abandoned me several times even on our anniversary and I know deep down I deserve better. I go to school PT and I work FT. To give you a vague idea of what life has been like for me, I do everything- tend to his needs, clean up after him because he won’t clean up at all, buy all the food, he treats me poorly- has no consideration for my feelings at all, doesn’t acknowledge anything that I do, is jealous that I’ve got a better job than him, refuses to work FT, won’t help out at all around the house without complaining about it, he has no interest completing his college education, and now he’s asking his job to cut back his hours so he can play card games all day. I’ve asked him nicely to pursue counseling, offered to pursue counseling with him as a couple, and he is being stubborn about it. He thinks he doesn’t need it at all. He has been talking lately about quitting his job because he doesn’t want to be work for retail all his life, and recently, dropped the only class he was taking at college. He has Asperger’s so he sees the world a bit differently than you and I, but I’ll be damned, he’s very manipulative and super quick to create conflict if things do not go his way.
That said, I’m in a pickle and I’m growing very unhappy with him. My heart genuinely loves and cares about him and his overall well being but am I in love with him? I don’t think so. We don’t connect like we used to, I am not attracted to him anymore (been over a year since we’ve done anything s*****), and I do a lot of things on my own. I feel like he’s my child literally. Because his name is on the lease, I am reluctant to say how I really feel because I am worried it would create a mess of problems that I do not need at this time. I have been saving up for a down-payment on a house of my own and I’m very close to being able to get one. My goal is to drop him when the lease is up if things do not get better.
As silly as it is going to sound, I think I have found someone who I really enjoy talking to. I met him through eBay of all the places but we immediately clicked. We like almost all of the same things and we can talk non-stop for six hours. We have so much to relate to it isn’t even funny. He is attractive, a bit older, and he happens to live in Arkansas, which is very far away from New York, but I guess it could be worse. We are discussing meeting sometime this year presumably if all goes well. He seems like my other half and I get very giddy when I hear from him (sometimes anyway). Although I don’t know him as well as I would like to, I do have a strong gravitation towards this person and I’m not fully sure why exactly. Maybe it is because we are so alike. He is a college graduate and has been a dept manager at a retail store for five years. He was studying graphic design and has even done a few book covers for local authors. I find it impressive that he has done so much at his age. If you believe in Astrology, his sign is Gemini (air) and I am Leo (fire), it says we are highly compatible. He is highly skilled in many areas including photography and art. I could go on and on about how wonderful this guy is but I’ll stop it right there.
Anyways, I told him my disposition with my boyfriend a few months back and recently told him how I started feeling about him. I was scared to bring the topic up mainly because I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way but I also did not want there to be a relationship between him & I- at least not until I have successfully ended the relationship I am currently in and after he and I have met in person first. The more I have talked to him, the more I feel like I am falling for this person, but I will say this feeling comes and goes and fades away when he isn’t talking to me as much. I think I take it personal or something, assuming it’ll never happen and that he is not interested anymore. It s**** having a pessimistic mind. There have been spouts where this person just disappears for days and I grow concerned, I don’t understand why it happens and when I try to reach out, I don’t get any response back. He tells me there is something there for me but has forgotten the feeling of love. If you are genuinely interested in someone, you don’t do that to the person who has feelings for you.
Maybe my thinking is off or I’m taking way too much to heart so soon when I hardly even know this person. It has been a while since he has been in a relationship and while he has forgotten the feeling, what do you think this feeling could be? Did he just say that because he did not know what to say? Anyways, I can understand being busy but at least tell the person you are interested in or who is interested in you what is going on in your life so they know you are OK. If I stop talking to him, he does try to initiate conversations which confuse me. It seems the more attention I give him the more he runs away but the less I give, the more he comes back for more. He will on occasion send me text messages in the morning or call randomly to chat. And no matter how much that guy is on my mind or not, I do dream of meeting him when I am asleep even if he hasn’t been on my mind at all. I sometimes smile myself to sleep when I’ve talked to him and had a great conversation. But in these dreams, I am subconsciously trying to hide it away from my current relationship. I guess the conscious is playing a part. I’ve had maybe 2 or 3 dreams where I’ve come close to telling the person I am with now about this guy. I don’t believe in cheating and that is why I am stuck, I can’t move on until the relationship I am with is done entirely, but it seems I’ve felt alone for so long my heart is ready to love again. I’m worried of the situation altogether backfiring. I don’t know what to do. Do I have genuine feelings for this guy? Is this just a crush? Will it subside? Am I a complete nut-case? Am I putting things in my head that should not be there? Should I just stop talking to this person or view him more as a friend? What would you do in my shoes?