There are no secrets left for you to judge. Sure, let me tell another one.
Two days back, we had a class reunion. Come to photo-taking, I’d hide, as per normal. The two alpha males came to question, of course and one of them asked if it was a childhood trauma and I replied, almost too honestly, that it was insecurity, p’raps. But I was always playing coy as a defence mechanisme so I guess they’d never know for sure – if I was being superstitious [read: the camera will s*** ur soul] or religious [read: the orthodox Muslim faith disallows the capturing or depiction of any living things save for plants in images] or just plain vanity [you better get a pro Photoshopper to clean the pic or I swear I won’t let you post this on Fbook].
Truth: I can’t see myself being alive. If breathing is already so painful, then any relics or reminders as to how alive I am pretty much blows. Truth: some kind of self-loathing. The funny thing, is that, in theory, I have all these emotions resolved – in therapy the shrink would always say that my lines of thoughts are pretty much healthy, that there is just a latent incongruency from thought to action. I personally boil it down to biology, so I replaced him with a better [read: more expen$ive one] shrink who’d dispense meds without overthinking. Maybe that is a good thing too, since I mostly end up flirting/sleeping with the past shrinks. This woman is too ugly and too stupid to f*** or mindfuck. Indeed, she’s the best I ever had, that I finally felt resolve to get my life done and over with some months back. Foiled by bad luck tho. Truth: the meds aren’t working; and I’m too tired to be afraid by now.
Another reason to not take photos: with no reminder of the past. Omg. It just hit me. Was too inebriated to understand what he was driving at, but one of the boys actually mentioned sth like ‘hey are you trying to be that guy frm the Jap anime who goes ard murdering folks and obsessively removes his face from past photos..’ Ah. Interesting notion, but no, I’m not like Johan the Akuma, that’s way too twisted. Was too busy flirting with the future doctor that I brushed off Alpha Male 2’s question.
Alpha Answer: Fear of rejection. You know how ppl makes judgements just by looking at photos of strangers. Hate that. Not that I care about the actual snide remarks, I mostly hate the fact that I am not privvy to all these feedbacks. Control, you know. For example, I’ve got a novel – an ok trilogy, really – burnt in a dvd sitting somewhere in the drawer of some exbf’s place that I won’t let anyone else save for a dying ex-colleague read. I didn’t even make backups, and I spent much of 5yrs writing it in between my meandering thru the education system. I’m afraid someone will tear it apart, which of course someone will, and then the work will never get published. Or worse, if the work does get published, so many [for those who actually read, and not just buy the latest blockbuster so their shelves would look cool. F*** em tai-tais. and those shallow yuppies.]…. so many would gain some access to my mind conjuring up fiction. And for me, I want TOTAL CONTROL.
god.
So! I think the next time someone asks me to be in photograph with them, I’d politely decline, but tell them that if they want, I can offer to photoshop myself inside that picture so I’d get total control, and they’ll get virtual facelifts. I wonder if that will work. Perhaps that may just kill their fascination with photo-taking then.
Found out that the childhood girl buddy kept me in the dark that alphamale2 AND futuredoctor had asked her if I were to attend the meet. They said she said yeah, she’d inform me but it was some other girl who managed to text and another totally non-friend who IMed details. I hoped she was just being forgetful, but if it wasn’t so, I know this isn’t the first time she consciously deprived me of information so that I would be excluded frm the group. And to think she’s not – and has never been – with this crowd. I’ve always liked my hermetic habits, but I do make exceptions time and again, and she knows that. I mean, I’ve always gone out of my way to include her in my crowd’s events even if I had to drag myself to go because she liked this cool guy that my ex always invites. Idk. I’ve also observed that she’d ask me out for shopping, etc, but when it comes to group dates where there’d be guys around, she’l refrain frm asking me along. I’m not even a threat to her, I don’t think so. She’s taller, extroverted. I’m not even pretty pretty and most times just one of the boys really, not *with those boys. So it’s just fitting they’d find me first most times. Gosh. The worst part is I want to be angry but I can’t. Bygones. It hurts tho.
The worst part is that I really wanted to meet Sportsbuddy3 but he didn’t turn up coz she told him I’m not turning up. Darn. Time to resurrect my fbook and learn to reply to texts. I think the days of having a gd gal pal gatekeep my social calendar is over. Darn. I so like my privacy.
But I think perhaps she has tire of her role and is sabotaging our friendship in her own way. I’ll miss her, of course. But at least there’s futuredoctor asking me out for dinner, for now. But I’d just rather he’s some girl I can be buddies with.