I sincerely want to end my life but I dont want to experience any pain. No I’m not some melodramatic teenager. What I wouldn’t give to be a teen again.

You might think “so just do it!” but its not that simple. The fact remains it is so easy to botch a suicide and end up mangled or worse off. I found a video on the internet of a man who shot himself in the face and he lived. A big gaping bloody hole, his face gone, and yet he is still alive. Holy f***. How? Why? How did he not die? How do you prevent something like that?

I look at all the methods. I put in the research. None of them are easy. None of them are painless and instant. Not only that but I feel fear. I want to but my heart pounds so hard. I feel so hesitant and afraid but I no longer want to be here anymore.

I wish I could just be shot and murdered in my sleep. Being a female though I’m more likely to be raped. I wish I could just be killed though. I wish I could just leave my door unlocked and someone would come in and kill me. I live with other people so I cant do that and put them in that sort of danger.

My failures haunt me and people continuously remind me of them and I’ve no rebuttal.