I’ve moved on from being sad about what is missing in my life. I have found a way to be happy in the now, to start doing more of what I want to do. But… I’m sad that I’m able to be happy without the man who is and always will be the love of my life. I hate not being able to be there for him when I know he is going through a tough time, I hate wondering if he still feels the same way about me, or if the distance is finally deteriorating our bond.

I am glad I have grown, in the sense that I no longer base my worth on what a man thinks of me, instead I am finding value within myself. This growth on its own would be a major victory for me, but I can’t help but long for the chance to share it with someone. With him specifically. I know I “should” move on, I know I should be open to new relationship, but I simply do. not. want. anyone. else. but. him. Does he feel the same about me still? I don’t know, and this scares me. It’s been 4 years, surely it should have gotten at least a little easier to forget him. Surely I shouldn’t be dreaming about him every night. Why can’t I accept it? He is there and I am here, and there’s nothing we can do about it.