I was really messed up my junior year of under-grad. I had relapsed into a suicidal depression and I was scared that my girlfriend of three years would get overwhelmed. When a good friend and housemate started developing similar issues I immediately attempted to help as I had some experience with it.

Now this friend at the time had a girlfriend. Her girlfriend reached out to me because she was also concerned about her girlfriends behavior. We began to talk and I found out that a few years ago this girlfriend had been hospitalized after a suicide attempt. My relapse had to do with the fact that I couldn’t handle the shame of my own hospitalization after my suicide attempt where I was raped by a fellow patient. It isn’t that rare in the LGBT community for suicide attempts so I wasn’t too shocked to find another lesbian who had had a similar experience, but she was the first person I could talk to about it who understood completely.

We began to grow closer as we continued to try to help my friend and my own girlfriend continued to drift away. Eventually one night we had “p********”. She was in a whole different part of the country. A fact I thank to this day. However, I still feel like I cheated with her on my friend who needed my help. I tried to stop, but at this point I was so depressed and alone that I couldn’t. I fucked up and I know it, but I kept doing this s*** for three more months until I finally had the guts to break it off.

At this point my friend had mended so well that I couldn’t justify telling her about what had happened for fear of a relapse. God knows I wanted to beg her forgiveness. I told my girlfriend who wasn’t upset as she didn’t consider it really cheating and she is one of those who believe that a person’s heart is big enough to love more than one person in more than one way.

I wanted her to hate me for it because I felt like I had done something horrible and gotten off scot-free. So here I am two years later. My friend, who I no longer see expect on special occasions, is marrying her girlfriend this summer. I could have ruined that.

Sometimes I just want to blame the girlfriend. Say that she took advantage of me when a was depress. I want to say that she used me, but I think we used each other. I want someone to beat me over the head for it. I want to stop feeling guilty.

It was two years ago for christ sake! When does the pain stop?

I had thought at the time that I could have loved her. Is that what this is? And if so how is it that I can love my girlfriend so much more, but still love her?

Maybe I loved her. Maybe I still do. Maybe I used her or maybe she used me. Anyway you look at it I fucked up and I can’t move on. My girlfriend thinks I’m overreacting, but how can I close the book on this chapter without ever truly apologizing; without being punished?

I asked my girlfriend why she didn’t dump my sorry a** when I told her and she simply said, “I’ve known something was up for awhile. Honestly, I couldn’t punish you anymore than you can punish you.”

I wish someone would hate me for this. Then maybe I could move on. But maybe this is my just reward.