I sat in the court house listening to my parents fight like they always did. The table was well polished, and almost looked new, I was sitting next to my mom and my dad was at a different table across the room by himself. I didn’t want to be on either side, I wanted to be alone, but I knew that I didn’t have a choice in any of this. So I just sat there listening to where my life was going to end up. For only 8 I was starting to understand a lot. Marriage didn’t mean forever, that was for sure. But something I realized that shouldn’t even be compatible with a 8 year old is that, happiness doesn’t last forever. We packed all of our stuff into boxes and my mom drove away. Everything was happening so fast it didn’t even feel like a day had gone by. I just looked out the window, not caring where I was going. But I should have cared, I should have begged to stay with my dad, because then maybe this story wouldn’t be real, and my life would be different.
Everything was in the new house, but the house wasn’t even a house. Going from a two story beautiful brand new house, to a 1 bedroom garage, wasn’t the best. There weren’t lights; it was pitch black, no shower, no laundry room, no room for me, just a crammed house with 6 people in it. And from night one, things were horrible. I lay in my bed, and I didn’t sleep. I heard something, someone was walking around but I just assumed it was my mom or her new boyfriend that I hated. But suddenly her boyfriend’s cousin came into my room and pushed me over. “Let me in, I don’t want to sleep on the couch anymore.” He was 26 and I didn’t know what to do, I hadn’t even ever talked to him, so I just moved over. I turned and faced the wall, and suddenly felt him curl me up in his arms. I felt him press himself against me, and he started rubbing my arm but I didn’t know what to do, so I just laid there and cried until he finally fell asleep, and then I trembled until the sun was up enough for me to see in my house. I left almost immediately ever morning so I could get away from everyone. I just walked until it was time to eat, then I would come home and eat. The same thing would happen every night, for a year. But his hands would get braver and adventure further. Further and further down my pants, and further and further up my shirt, but I didn’t know what to do. The night before the big blow up, he had his hands wherever he wanted, but my mom was too busy in her own world to listen. Suddenly something happened, and I thought it was the biggest blow up in my life, but now looking back it was just a small problem in a big s*** life.
My mother started yelling at me because of nothing, and then her boyfriend got in the middle of it and threw me on the ground. I hit my head and was forced to sleep outside that night. I remember only one thing, my mom’s voice “Put that b**** outside” I laid outside in the cold and thought “Well at least I will be alone tonight.” But I shouldn’t have even thought that I would get a moment to myself. He came outside and gave me a tent, and laid inside it with me. At first he sat in there with me and talked to me. “You know that I would have stuck up for you if he did that in my house, right?” I just sat there trying to ignore him but he had me lay my head on his stomach, and said “I’ll comfort you, don’t worry. But I do sleep with my pants unzipped, so I’m sorry if you see anything.” And he laughed like he did every night while he caressed me. He stroked my head and wouldn’t let me move, while he stroked himself, making me watch the whole thing. “This is what happens when I think about you, this is what you deserve.” I didn’t know what to do, so I just closed my eyes and prayed for it to be over soon. Suddenly the sun was up and I got up and was about to run away, but my mother came running out. “I have some news for you that you might like.” I looked at her curiously, “just come with me, we have to help them unpack.” So I got in the car as my mother wished and went over to a house that I didn’t ever notice. People were moving in, and I thought it was my dad so I jumped out of the car and ran to the door, and suddenly he stepped in front of the door. A man I only remembered because of his daughter who had been my best friend forever. I ran past him and hugged Brit as hard as I could, she had gotten older, but I knew she remembered me. “I’m coming over every day ok?” She hugged me back and whispered, “Deal.”
That is what happened, I went there every day, and spent the night there as much as I could. But that became a nightmare quickly after. Her family was like mine, and I had forgotten all about my house, and I thought I was going to be happy. I was almost 9 and thought, “A new year, new opportunities to be happy.” But I was wrong. Her family became mine, and I loved every single one of them. Her mom was my mom, and her dad was mine. Her brother was like the brother I always wanted and I couldn’t have been happier. Until one day, her dad wanted to wrestle and I felt him touch me, but I thought it was a mistake. Then, my mom dropped me off to stay there while she went out, and he asked me to help him with the laundry. I walked back to the back room, and tried to fold a towel. He laughed, picked me up, and put me on the washing machine. He told me that he just wanted company, and then he started taking my clothes off. When I pulled them down he said “Now sweetie, your clothes are dirty, don’t you want to be a big clean girl.” I knew I wasn’t dirty, but I knew there was nothing I could do. So he took my clothes off. Suddenly all the memories rushed back and I couldn’t even breathe. Everything that I had run away from followed me to somewhere that made me feel important. I tried to keep my legs closed, but he forced them open, and as he did he told me “If you don’t keep your mouth shut, I will hurt you worse than you can imagine.” So I closed my eyes, and let my legs open, and at that moment I realized that was all I was good for. He put his finger inside me, and then his mouth, and as I cried he laughed. The only reason it stopped was because he heard a door slam so he rushed out of the room. I put my clothes on, and sat on the couch for the rest of the day, because I couldn’t go home. Every day after that was a horrible day. He was always exposing himself, and touching me whenever he could. I started to get use to the pain and agony of being used by him. At least I had my “brother” and “sister” to look up to. But that blew up in my face soon after that. My “brother” was the only man I felt safe around, so we played outside in the mud all the time. One day he gave me a duck call and told me he was going to teach me how to use it. So we ran outside and I thought it was going to be a better day than the others. I was 9 years old and always thought that I was worthless. We ran into the back yard and he grabbed me and pulled me to him. He exposed himself and told me I was his. He shoved me against the house hard and tried to make me grab it. But I got away and ran home. I didn’t know what to do, and thought to myself. “She’s my best friend, and what if they were doing that to her. What if they would start doing that to her if I stopped going over there?” I knew I had to protect her, so I just left the hopelessness engulf me.
I got grounded from my best friend because I snuck out of my house, and my punishment was I had to help clean around their house. I was finished with everything and laid down in my bed in my best friend’s room. Suddenly the door flew open, and her brother came barging in and shut the door behind him. He pressed his knees onto my arms making me unable to get up. “You are mine!” he whispered with such anger and violence in his voice. He pulled it out and forced it in my mouth. He choked me until I passed out, and the sad thing is, I don’t remember what else happened that day. A week later we were eating dinner as a whole family, my best friend, her mom, her dad and brother. And suddenly her brother’s foot was between my legs. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there and stared at my food until everyone was done eating. Then he followed me outside because his mom asked us to get some groceries out of the truck and he pulled me by my hair against the truck, slamming my face into it. He grinded against me and then grabbed the food and ran inside. Leaving me in the dark.
I went home and just fought with my mom like I did every single day. All I remember was pain all over my body, and as I took a shower to try and get it all off, he watched me. My hopeless life stayed hopeless, and no one loved me. I loved one person, but I wasn’t old enough to prove that it was real, and I wasn’t smart enough to prove that I needed him. He knew who I was, but not how much him being in my life would have truly meant to me. I was just used, I was his b****. It never ended. So many showers, so many tears, so much hate, and finally there was nothing. I was forced to do so many horrible things with him, and was made to keep it a secret because of two things. 1. My best friend who I didn’t want to go through any of this and 2. Who would believe me..?
Both of them touched me day after day, but no matter what I said, my mom made me keep going over there. I had to watch them play with themselves, watch p***, was touched under tables while eating dinner, was forced to take a shower with one or the other. But neither of them knew they were both doing this to me. But the more her brother touched me the less her father touched me. Until one night her dad called me into the living room while I was half asleep, and when I walked out there he was stroking himself, covered in lotion. “Get over here and climb on daddies lap.” He said to be in this voice that makes my stomach turn to this day. I ran back into my room and pretended like I saw nothing, just like I did every time. Finally I moved, and only one of them followed me to where I moved next. Her brother. He helped me move in to my mother’s new house and I had to watch him help unpack my clothes for my room.
Every day he was over, but he never did anything until one day he finally went over the edge. I was home sick from school, and he just showed up. He did what he did every time and forced himself in my mouth. Then he threw me on the couch and tried to push it inside me but it wouldn’t go in, so he pushed as many fingers as he could into me until I was in so much agony that I couldn’t even scream. I started to bleed and he whispered in my ear “Finally, I wanted to see this for so long. Now you will forever be only mine.” He took something from me that couldn’t be healed or taken back. A boy started talking to me, Danny, and I thought that everything would have been better. He made me feel like things could be different from what they used to be, but he laughed at me when I finally got the nerve to tell him what happened. And he did the same thing, forced me to do what I didn’t want, hit me when I said no. “You are worth nothing but the a** between your legs” was his favorite thing to say to me, because he knew that I knew it was true. After him I only dated two other boys. The first one, I thought knew my pain, he told me he did, and told me things that had happened to me. He made me feel like I wasn’t alone, until someone told him that I was a liar. He believed the other person and left me alone, and who caught me while I was falling. Danny. He caught me when I was falling just to let me fall harder. But then I met another boy, and I have been with him for over 2 years. But what scares me now, is that boy I’ve been with. The boy I opened my life, heart, and soul to. He’s not hurting me, he’s not forcing me to do anything, but I am not normal, I am not healed, and I am not right. Everything he does, even if it isn’t wrong of him to do, I throw it in his face and make him miserable. I just don’t feel like I am worth the time anymore because now that I have given him everything I feel like I am sucking him dry of everything that he ever was. I don’t know what to do. Just when I think that I can love someone, and be happy, everything that I once was, came back to make my life what I’ve always known it to be. Hell. I don’t know how to act, and as I sit here and spit out everything that is my life, it doesn’t even feel real because as if mentally everything isn’t bad, I found out I’m possibly dying.