I am a 14 year old girl, and I am obsessed with lookiing at myslef in a mirror. I can go on for hour’s. I just stand there and judge everything about myself. I weigh 138.4 pounds and I just look at my body and say I’m to fat and ugly that no one will ever want me. I was 161.9 pounds and I have been anerixic and balemic. I still hate everything about myself. When I walk around in high school I compare myself to everybody. And If I see a fat person I just think to myself fat a**, and then I feel better about myself until I see a skinny person. I lie to everybody even the people I care about most. I don’t even know I’m doing it until its out of my mouth and out there. I’ve told people that I can see and talk to ghosts when I can’t and I have lied about my life and who I am. I feel unsucessful in life because everybody I know is getting awards in life and in karate my brother is getting his belts and right now he is a purple belt and he is getting praised by my grandma and everything he does is perfect and I’m so freaking jealous. I tried to do karate but I’m just to freaking lazy, I was only in there for 6 months I thnk and my brother was joining and he just took all the pride from me.
I’m throwing him a surprise sweet sixteen party at a community center and even though I am trying to be nice I feel like he won’t care about it. Like he won’t care about any of the decorations and how much work I put into it.
He’s also a great drawer and I am to but everytime I try to show off my art work he butts in and takes the glory away from me and I feel worthless.
I was taken away from my mother 6 years ago and my father is in jail. He’s been in jail my whole life. I have only seen him 3 times my whole intire life. I only knew my mom for nine years and then for the rest of my life I havent really known her. My father writes me and I try to write him back but when I don’t, I feel like I have broken his heart. My mother writes me and calls me but I feel like I don’t know her and shes a stranger just like my dad. They blamed my dad for murder even though they know he didn’t do it.
I was a cutter for one year and then I had to quit because my brother found out and yelled at me. I still want to cut but I’m afraid of getting yelled at.
I have to live with my grandparents like I said earlier and My “Grandpa” isn’t related to me hes not even my grandfather and I’m was so freaking happy when I found this out.But He mentally abuses me and my brother. Even my grandmother. My brother is a strong person but for the last few days he has been crying and it makes me feel terriable that I can’t do anything about it. Even though I’m younger I feel as if I can make things better If I try.
I wish everyday for my grandfather to die, everyday I pray to god but I know doing this is wrong and I feel ashamed for doing it. Then I don’t care.
I hate where we live also, We live in the woods and I feel like I should have a better life style. Like I should be in Ocala or someone where more public. I just feel like I’m in danger living here with this man (grandfather) He scares me and I just don’t want to admitt it. He targets my brother more though. And I just look at my grandfather and I imagine getting a knife and just stabing him over and over just yelling at him just wanting him to die. He’s caused this family so much hurt. He mad my oldest brother Jay move to a different state because my brother Jay didn’t want to hurt him. And That has made me madder because Jay was like my farther my only farther figure HE was always there for me because my mom was always some where else.
I feel like carrey (my grandfather) Is planning on killing us. I feel like If I go to bed, HE’s going to sneak into my brothers room and kill him while he’s sleeping and It makes me so worried. My brother Is now always at his girlfriends house just so he won’t be here. But I don’t want to go anywhere and leave my grandma here with carrey because I feel like he’s going to kill her and once I get home hes going to kill me.
Everytime my brother tells my grandmother that he doesn’t want to live here she just say’s that she can’t do a thing about it and what does he expect her to do. She doesn’t even care, and he crys while telling her.