12 years
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I am 19. I have no friends anymore..a few still live right down the road, but they never want to hang out. It’s like they have abandoned me. 99% of the people I hang out with are my boyfriends friends, and that’s only when I am with him. I only have 2 friends that I can hang out with, they are a couple and I have babysat their kids for 5 years, but now they are close to splitting up, and I am worried that I will lose one or the other. It sounds bad, but I know which one I would choose if I had too, but I don’t want to choose. I want things to stay the same. I don’t like change, it scares me. Every time something changes I lose someone/something I love. I have built my wall with everything that has been thrown at me, but some people slip right by it, and it always ends up hurting me. I have trust issues to begin with, considering I was mentally abused by my father for years, but it just keeps getting worse. Why can’t I find good people to hang out with? People that actually care about how I feel, not just about what they can use me for…..

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .