12 years
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I am deeply in love with a man – a truly wonderful man. I’ve never met someone as special as him before. He makes me truly happy. However, he has deep issues with trust and letting someone in. This causes him occasionally to try and push people away before he can let them in, giving them the chance to hurt him. He tried to push me away a month ago, by using my worst fear against me.

I was angry. So, so angry. So I retaliated, in the worst way I know how. I went on the dating site we met on, and messaged all his top matches, telling them to stay away from him. I told myself I didn’t want other women to be hurt by him, but this was a lie – I didn’t want any other competition.

Soon we made up, and I forgot about that profile, until last night. Something possessed me to sign in again. I should have just deleted it, but I felt like I had to go on one more “warning spree,” in order to guarantee no one would speak to him. Of course, this is when it all went to hell, because someone notified him of the smear campaign.

He asked me if I’m the one who did it. I can’t tell him I am, because then he’d hate me forever. I’m such a coward. It’s just…I’ve put so much into this relationship. I’ve been burned so many times before, and I just know this could turn into something special, if only he’s willing to make that small step and trust me. And yet, he can’t trust me anymore, because I did something so cowardly and despicable.

I hate myself.

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .