12 years
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Suicide seems like paradise to me right now. I can’t f****** take being in constant pain for much longer. Nothing we’re trying is helping. Everything from my waist down is constantly in a state of spasm. The only position that I get any relief from THAT in is lying down on my back, where my upper back problems and misaligned shoulders get sore after about 10 seconds. Anxiety is ruining my social skills and self esteem and no one seems to notice how secluded I’ve become. I’m behind in all of my classes. Very behind. I’m failing one, soon to be two, which is also probably soon to be three. It just keeps s********** and s********** and everyone still seems to think that I can catch up all of my classes if I ‘really put some effort in’ but there’s no way…I’m missing about 25(ish) assignments from all of my classes put together and somehow they think I can finish it all and keep up with everything else without blowing my brains out in 2 months.

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .