My wife has treated me fairly awful for the last 5 years. I’m afraid to leave her and be on my own again after 12 years together. But I’ve come to the point where I need to draw a line. I’ve talked honestly with friends about her demands of me and most of them are shocked when I tell them what she expects of me. It’s like I’m her project and she thinks she can change me into something I’m not.

I’m nearing 38 now and I’ve noticed with the summer coming up that I’m more and more interested in looking at women. I can’t help myself. Beautiful women attract me. I feel so guilty and it makes me doubt my decision to ask for a divorce. Am I just being a stupid dude that wants to screw around? I don’t know.. my wife expects things of me.. it’s hard to explain. S**… but when she wants it… I can be begging for 3 weeks in a row for s**, trying stuff, when suddenly we get a huge fight where she is saying how I lost interest in her and I’m not interested in s** with her anymore. It’s deteriorated now where we have s** once every 3 months or so, every time we do.. I feel like I’m r***** her, or like I’m lying on top of my sister. She says loves me more than anything but I don’t feel it.

It’s confusing as hell and I find myself wishing to be alone often. But then when I am alone.. I’m missing her and I feel like a d*** for leaving her alone. I’m completely enthralled.. s***..

She’s going on a ‘girls week out’ to Grand Canyon.. (yeah right I here you say, but it’s legit).. So I’m not telling her now that I want a divorce but I’ve decided that I will tell her when she comes back…

I was alone and angry and h****, watching adult stuff on TV. In a stupid mood I went out and had s** with another woman for the first time in 15 years. It was wonderful, I was nervous and didn’t perform at all, nothing worked.. but I loved just being with another woman. And she was very beautiful as well, the way she handled my inexperience was gorgeous. It was fresh, it was funny and I needed it. The girl was very classy and sweet and she seemed quite educated as we were able to talk about my work in finance. It was obviously a one time thing.

I feel extremely guilty and am wondering if I don’t just want the divorce cause I want another relationship.. or is that a legitimate reason? Something I know for sure is that it’s been a long, long, time now that I am doubting about my marriage.

I also feel I have the need to find some blame, I need to be able to blame my wife so I won’t feel so goddamned guilty. The funny thing is, there was more than enough blame to ago around. Damn, I learned manipulation from the best of the best (my wife). But now that I’ve cheated.. I’m just as confused about our marriage and this guilt thing about that just muddies it all up.

I don’t need you or anyone to tell me to stay with, or leave, my wife. My decision stands, we need to split up. For both our best interests, if anything else the cliche and b******* argument that she deserves someone better than me actually stands.