i just want to talk. get something out there- this’ll prolly be long..
i’ve lost so many people in my life.
my great-grandparents, my grandfathers, my aunts, my friends, my pets.
i think that i block out some of my memories. i can’t remember highlights from last year, or even from three years ago. I don’t even remember what i did last month unless i had strong feelings about it.
i do believe it started out as a coping mechanism, now its just gotten out of hand and its still there. Like multiple personalities, it stays with me, even though i’m through that bad part.
i have a certain way of things. i have to be so careful of what i say, because its only a matter of luck that it doesn’t come true. i use this responsibly and if i chant the want/need enough, it will happen. i’ve only used the chant twice, only when someone’s life was in danger. once it was my sister, who was in the hospital with Guillian Berre. i was terrified something would happen and i laid there in my bed, chanting over and over that she would miraculously get better. the next morning a woman visited my sister in the hospital and placed her hands on my sister’s legs. my sister told me that it felt awful when she did that. like something was being dragged out of her legs, like knives. the woman didn’t stay long and no one knew where she came from. she hadn’t been from our church, nor did anyone in our family know who she was.
the second one isn’t something i want to get into. but i need to get it out. when i was around 13- i wished for a tornado. stupid a** decision- but i was like that.
next thing i know we got goddamn tornadoes in Kentucky and people died. i felt so awful. i felt so so so awful.
i don’t think about these things.
blocking those kinds of emotions from actually surfacing is something i have to do.
anger stays with me- thats something i use. but i regret my anger.