This confession might be a little different from what you’re used to seeing on here but this is my first time so s*** it. This is basicly my life story and all the, big, things I’ve done wrong in my first nineteen years of life.

I was born April 8th, 1995 in Littleton, CO. I was born into a middle class Mormon (LDS) family that is the best that anybody could ask for. After growing up in a Mormon house hold and having Mormonism shoved down my throat like bad oat meal, I renounced my faith in the church the second I graduated from Columbine High School, which was actually a year ago this May, and I haven’t even stepped foot inside a Mormon church building sense. Whenever my parents and sister would head off for church Sunday morning, I’d come out of my room the second I heard the car pull away and I’d spend my day watching p***, having s** with my girlfriend, or smoking pot until they got home.

My mother was a paramedic that has the knowledge of a position’s assistant. She was born and raised in Waterbury, Connecticut in a very broken Italian. Catholic. home. Her father was an alcoholic who abused and battered his wife and four children. My mom’s parents put her up for adoption when she was seven and was soon adopted by the greatest people in the world. She went from yelling and screaming alcoholic beatings to a clean, Mormon, home in Idaho where she grew up until she was twenty five when she graduated from BYU Idaho. She barely talked to her brothers and sisters when she was in Idaho.
My father, on the other hand, was born in Englewood, Colorado into a protestant home. He lived a very sheltered life where he was “safe” from the world and nothing could corrupt his innocent soul. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s not the best thing. He graduated from Green Mountain High School and soon after, his father took a job in Saudi Arabia as a mechanic for Saudi Airlines, where he lived until he was nineteen. When my father was in fifth grade, my grandparents found Jesus in the Mormon church where they were converted and sense then, have given up drinking, smoking, cursing, and all that is unholy. When my father turned nineteen, he left for his mission in the LDS church, where he was sent to the Connecticut/Hartford mission. Whilst on his mission, he came upon my mother’s home a month when she was visiting during the summer, where he began to teach her the lessons up until she had to go back to Idaho. When he finished his mission, he came back to Colorado to stay in his childhood home until his parents came back from Saudi.

(Side Story: While in Saudi Arabia, my grandfather was extremely active in the Mormon faith. He preached to whomever would listen to him whenever he could. This was against the Arabian law and was punishable by public execution. He held sacrament in his house every Sunday, for whomever would like to attend, in extreme secrecy. One day, my grandfather received a summons to go speak to the prince of Saudi Arabia. He kissed my grandmother good bye and told her how much he loved her and left for what they thought was going to be the last time. He get’s the the prince’s palace and the prince asked him about the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints and why he was preaching to his people. My grandfather told the prince everything he had been doing and bore his testimony to the prince. The prince sat in silence for a few moments and said, “Mr. Kile. . . Normally I would have someone who was doing this in my land publicly executed but I’ve come to realize something about you and I. . . We both have a very strong faith in our own Gods and because of this I’m not going to have you killed. Instead, I’m going to give you a designated building that is JUST for your Sunday meetings and ONLY for the people who you have converted into your faith. If anybody else so much as steps a toe into the front door, I will have you and everybody inside executed in the town square.” My grandfather left a very happy man just to be able to come home to his wife and kids.)

I am the youngest of three children, each of us is three years apart from the first. My sister is the only granddaughter on my dads side of the family and so because of this she has always been treated like she could never do any wrong in this world where I was always blamed for EVERYTHING. It didn’t matter what happened, how big or small it was, where it was, or if it was clearly my sister who did it, I was blamed and punished for it. Everything has been, is, and will always will be my fault. I was raised like I could do nothing right no matter how hard I tried to be good or to do my best, I was never good enough for my mother. She always shrugged me off like a bug that landed on her shirt. It’s always been like this and I feel like it always will be until the day I die.

My life hasn’t been all bad, I mean, I know my parents and sibilings all love me, that I can always find love with my family, that I had a home with a warm bed, my own room, a fridge full of food and all that jazz. So I haven’t had a s*** life, it’s just that my sister and brother always got what they wanted no matter what and the second I asked for something, as simple as a juice, I was told to screw off, basically. I love my mom and dad, my brother and sister, my grandparents, and the rest of my family with my entire heart but I can’t help but think what my life could have been like given I was an only child.

Today is April 6th, 2014 and it’s two day until my birthday and two days sense the last time I’ve gone to church in a year. In the past year I’ve gotten three tattoos (one of a sparrow, one of a paper airplane, and one of the Colorado flag’s “C” that’s gone Pac-Man status and is chasing a ghost), started smoking pot, I’ve been having s** for two years now, I’ve had a couple of shots of vodka and whisky, I’ve tried beer (which tastes like piss) and if I had to choose one for the rest of my life I’d choose the whisky. I’ve gotten into stealing petty things like beads, necklaces, bracelets, etc. I’ve picked up some nasty habits of treating my girlfriend like crap and not meaning to, I do it a lot more than anybody should, I yell at her on the phone and then in person I’m the sweetest person around.

I just wish I knew who I was and what I am supposed to do in this life.

I don’t like who I’ve become. I look at other girls in front of my girlfriend, and we’ve had way to many talks about that one topic than we’ve had real conversations, I spend more time wishing I was high, and being high, than I do focused on going on with my life. I’ve missed so many job opportunities in my chosen field of work, which is photography, because I didn’t have the motivation to go to the job interviews. I know I could get the jobs I’m applying for but when it gets down to getting there, I crap out on myself and end up spending all day in my room, laying on my bed, listening to Nirvana, stoned, and in my underwear. I’m so unmotivated to do anything nowadays, I don’t even bother getting up to check my phone. . .

High school was a joke to me. Freshman year I didn’t try on anything I dead except for my Earth Science and Art classes because those had the two best teachers in the entire school. I threatened my middle school’s vice principal’s life via Facebook because she was the biggest b**** around. She would suspend me for texting in class when I would be texting my mother when my grandparents were in the hospital due to a car accident. I’m sorry but family comes before a single day of school. Any chance that b**** got, she would suspend me for weeks on end. But yes, I did threaten her life via Facebook because I was repeating Jeff Dunham’s Achmed The Dead Terrorist’s, “SILENCE!! I KEEL YOU!!” and that’s exactly how I wrote it. I even gave Jeff Dunham Credit at the bottom of the comment in a works cited type of deal in attempts to cover my a** from her thinking I was threatening her. I was being a smart a** and she had me taken to court over it. Three trips downtown, 48 hours of community service, and an apology letter later and she tried pressing more charges on me for some bull s*** excuse that the judge said was completely out of line on her part and caused an investigation of her and the principal at the school. The last I heard, she was getting put on administrative leave but I don’t know if that’s true or not. AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HER NAME WAS?! Mrs. B.J. YEAH! MRS. F****** B. J.!! The principle’s name was even better. Ready for this? Her name was, Mrs. BLOWMYER!! Quite the dynamic duo they’ve got going over there, don’t they?

Sophomore yeah I found Marching Band. I played everything in the Front Ensemble and it was glorious. Great friends, great memories, great everything except for one kid in my section. A little eighth grader whom we’ll call Jeric Fubbick. Jeric was, and IS, one of the most pretentious pieces of s*** I have ever met. He has a god complex where he is always right no matter what, argues with everyone over everything, and he even told the band directors and instructors what to do. YEAH! This pesky little eighth grader telling grown adults how to do their jobs that they went to college to become!! Makes sense right?! Oh man. . . We, as a band, made sure his life was hell just trying to get him to calm down a bit and to stop treating people like s***. Did it work? God no! He’s still the same pretentious, self-centered, sack of dicks he was back then. I’m sure, at one point, the band and I made one day particularly hard on him and almost caused him to off himself because we were extremely cruel to him that day. (I regret that day the most.)

Junior year I’m still doing Marching Band but the only difference between this year and last is that I’m now the Section Leader. Jeric is still in my section and I take this opportunity to make his life hell again. Because we all hate him like there is nothing to loose. We hated this kid like there was no tomorrow and all of our anger and frustration was aimed at this kid because he was just ssooooooo annoying and wouldn’t stop talking. EVER! I was so unmotivated this year that I didn’t even take the ACT’s seriously. I didn’t realize they would determine the type of college I would get into. I just bubbled in letters randomly and didn’t give a flying f*** about it. I was done in half an hour and home in forty five minutes. In fact, this was the first day I had s** because my girl friend was a sophomore so she was home because she didn’t have school this day and I went to the gas station to pick up condoms and I was dropped off at her house. We were home alone and it was actually one of the most awkward days of my life. She wouldn’t go down on me, I didn’t know what I was doing when I went down on her, and finally I stuck it in her and lasted half an hour inside of her before I came. She faked it the whole time because it hurt too much for her to get any pleasure out of it.

Senior year was by far the best year of my high school career. My teachers were awesome, relaxed, and made classes fun. I had three off hours and was home by one every day. My girl friend and I were f****** every chance we got and we were getting more and more adventurous with our s** lives. We did it in the park, in different positions, different rooms of her house, and we were getting a lot better at f******. We were smoking weed as often as possible and we even smoked weed before Marching Band three different days in a row. And with my being Section Leader of the Front Ensemble, I had Section Leader meetings to go to and most of those, I went high as f*** which made them go by faster. We even got our Front Ensemble Instructor to smoke with us one day. That was a pretty great day. Senior year was just a blast.

Which brings us to the past year. I’m nine teen in two days, I haven’t been to church in a year, I’m smoking weed, drinking, getting tattoos, and not really doing anything productive with my life. I f****** got fired form Macy’s for using too many coupons at the register. YEAH! I created a loss of $375.30 at Macy’s for using too many coupons! How sad is that?

I’m going off to Colorado Mountain College in the fall, I’m applying for every scholarship I can find online, I’m working at Lowes making $10 an hour, and I’m planning on heading to my Alma Mater on monday to go make amends with all the people I’ve wronged in the band and all the teachers I’ve told to screw off. I’m on the right track to getting to a better place. I’ve cut back on my weed in take and I haven’t had a drink in six months. I just hope I get picked for some of these scholarships.