Tough times.

I have been smoking weed like every single morning and every single night, for the last like 2+ years.

I had like a giant meltdown recently. My health. My mind. I was smoking probably too much weed but I think I have underlying health conditions in the first place.

Anyway so I try to stop smoking weed in the morning because I figure, it is better to just smoke less weed in general.

And it was great, for a couple of days, but lately like the last like 5 days, I have just been like 110% depressed as f***. It is ironic. I still smoke at night before going to bed, but I wait until like 9PM to smoke.

The thing is, I don’t do anything right now. I don’t go to school. I don’t have a job. I literally, just sit at home all day, and in the evening I try to do some App work basically, if there is any. There is nobody around for me to try and even talk with. My Mom is here but unless I am like dying, she just ignores me basically.

Basically, I am starting to think that until I am regularly doing something, like a job where you work 4 days a week or whatever, or even going to school (which I probably won’t do because it is expensive), until I am doing regular things like that, I might be better off just smoking almost all mornings.

I quit smoking weed in the past, but when I did, I was going to school, and working at the same time. I was also healthy relatively. Now I am not really doing anything and my health isn’t that great.

But my health is mostly not that great from not doing anything.

Anyway this was just stressing me out I guess. Thinking I am trying to do the right thing but ironically, I finding that I am probably better off if I just smoke in the mornings.

At least now I am aware like I can sometimes choose to not smoke in the morning, since I was doing it every single morning the last couple of years.

I went deep with p***. I was watching transgenders and it was like a blast. I was having such a good time, but like I think maybe I was having like a mental breakdown but I was ignoring it because I was addicted to the p***. I was also doing p*** at the same time.

It’s like it triggered this torrential dopamine release when I was doing p*** and watching it at the same time, and I lost my mind. I think though, it is because I have no s***** experience in real life, so doing p*** live was like the closest thing I ever got, and it like blew my circuit board.

I watched p*** before, and ya it was intense when I would watch the transgender p*** sometimes, and I did this off and on. I maybe watched transgender p*** like twice a month maybe.

But this last time, it was like 5 times more intense than anything I experienced before, and it was the most addictive thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life, which is why I think it may have triggered like an episode of some kind.

I would like to think that none of this would have happened if I wasn’t smoking weed, like I had been for like 2+ times daily for the last couple of years+.

My cognition declined. It was very scary. There is a chance I have bad mental health issue(s) maybe or I am just a little innocent person basically since I am a virgin and it was just wayyyy too intense and without any intimacy…

Like normally if you want to hook up with someone, there are like many parts to the process I think.

You find the person.

You talk to them.

You “get to know each other.”

Maybe you coordinate a date.

Maybe you do multiple dates.

Maybe you have friends in common.

Maybe you see each other at a common place like a restaurant or something.

Then there is the entire process of getting to the point where you are hooking up.

Like, none of these things were present. It was like skipping all the went to the end, without doing any of the leg work and it like blew out my circuit board it was so intense for me.

Then I got addicted as f*** to it.

I’ve smoked meth, I’ve snorted cocaine, granted just a couple of times, I’ve taken ecstasy, I smoked weed, I smoked cigarettes, I’ve played video games h******* I used to play video games like 16 hours a day all the time, I watched p*** my entire life…

None of these things, were even close, to how addictive the feeling was that I had.

So, I might need to get some help or some s***.

Sorry if this s*** is crazy, don’t take it too seriously I guess but this is basically what I am going through.