I was a very promiscuous person from my late teens, into my late 30’s. I have had 2 long-term relationships, one of which I married. The first person I was extremely loyal to was until his mom passed away. I realized I did not want to be with this person for the rest of my life, and when his mom died, and I saw the aftermath, I knew she was telling me to get out. I had already mentally checked out and started talking to other men, including my now ex-husband. I ended up leaving him, immediately moving in with my ex-husband.
My ex got me into smoking weed; we both were terrible with money, consistently borrowing from family and payday loans. He also sweated profusely at night, he was always high, and very inexperienced s*******. We were good for the first year, and ended up getting engaged after that year, although I was s******* not happy and wanted an open relationship.
I thought us being together was a sign because when I met him at new hire orientation, 8 years prior to us being together, I was already dating my first ex-boyfriend. The fact that we reconnected after calling our help desk for a password reset, he answered, he worked swing shift, I worked days, so the chances of me calling at that time were slim. We started talking about what we were going to school for, and that I wouldn’t mind talking to him about the courses I was taking, as they were related to his studies.
I should have called off the wedding, but we were so deep into it that I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I was on Tinder and Reddit looking for anyone to have s** with me. I would often take pet-sitting gigs just so that I could be away from my ex and would invite men over. I was always finding an excuse not to go home.
I then met my now fiancé. At first, it was just s**, then it became even more. Mind you, I have mental health issues and at the time wasn’t being treated properly. I was unhappy with myself, my marriage, and my life. I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I hated what I was doing, but I was acting on impulse and selfishness. My ex did not deserve that, and in fact, we finally decided to get a divorce after the 5th ER visit for his panic attacks in a week. I already knew he wasn’t doing well. He didn’t take very good care of himself, no matter how hard I tried to nag him about it. He also had mental health issues, stopping meds without consulting his doctor, having lost his dad three weeks prior to us talking, and what makes me feel really bad is we were in the ER on Father’s Day years ago.
I told him I wanted to confess something to him, but he said if it doesn’t help our situation, best to just let it go. He is such a good guy, and everything was amicable. We still text from time to time, he updates me on the 2nd dog we got together that bonded with him more than me. There are so many things I feel remorseful for. I hate cheaters. I outed my cousin because he brought around his mistress to my sister and me when we were in college. My grandfather cheated on my grandmother (the one who raised me). I hate cheaters, but then I became one.
I wonder if my mental health had been treated better, if I would have done what I did. I feel loads of shame and guilt. I realized it was a sign that my ex and I were incompatible and that my now fiancé is my true soulmate. He, too, said he wasn’t innocent in all of this and knew all of the struggles I had been through. However, I hate the circumstances of how we met, the fact that I went against my morals and values, and now I have a feeling karma is coming for me. The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t true. Sometimes, it’s because we have something going on inside of us that we can’t quite figure out why we do the things we do sometimes, even though we know it’s wrong.
My ex is very happy now. He moved closer to his family; we are about 4 hours away from each other. The dog is thriving, he has a house that he is renting from his sister-in-law, and he seems to be doing well. I’m super happy for him.
I knew I wasn’t the one for him. I even told him that while we weren’t officially together yet, he’d find the right person. We thought it was a sign to be with each other, considering how we reconnected years after I had initially gotten together with the ex-boyfriend, but in fact, I was right all along.
He told me that the reason why he married me was that I was the only woman to have ever paid any attention to him. His first girlfriend only lasted a year, and from what it sounded like, she wasn’t really interested in him and just kept him around.
I feel so much guilt for everything in our past. He really didn’t deserve any of it, my ex-boyfriend; however, in my opinion, he did deserve it more than my ex-husband, as he was a piece of work. I’m just glad we are both doing better for ourselves and are still amicable. He does not know I’m engaged to the affair partner, and I have no intention of letting him know; it’s none of his business and wouldn’t help either one of us. I suffer from ADHD, and the looping of this event has never left me alone. I’ve been feeling it for a while, I’ve paid for my wrongdoings, and I’m making sure I never do anything like that again. It’s not my proudest moment. I’ve punished myself a lot over the years, and it’s something I have to live with, but I shouldn’t keep beating myself over it.
