12 years
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I’m a Christian. And I had s**. I didn’t mean to let it happen, but it was so in the moment and I wanted it too. And now I’m thinking or trying to persuade myself that it’s just an old fashioned, out-dated custom just like stoning and beheading and all that…
I was raised to believe I had to save myself for marriage. And I still believe it. Heck, I completely support that idea. I wish I was stronger. I still feel so guilty… but I can’t seem to say no. He’s my first for everything, dating, kissing, holding hands. He’s my best friend and I’m so happy. I can’t imagine my life without him.
But he’s impulsive, and I love that about him, but it also means he likes to get what he wants. He knows how torn I am about what we do… but he knows how to get me in the mood…. and I can’t say no at that point because I probably want it more than him.
I can’t tell my friends or family how far we’ve gone… I was always the responsible one, the calm, levelheaded one that looked down on sleeping around. And now I know. It’s awful isn’t it? I really enjoy it, he’s gotten so good (we were each other’s firsts) and I can’t resist.
I think I’ve almost gotten over the shame and guilt in going against my morals. I think positing this, even anonymously, will help. Sorry for the long essay.

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .