I’m a Christian. And I had s**. I didn’t mean to let it happen, but it was so in the moment and I wanted it too. And now I’m thinking or trying to persuade myself that it’s just an old fashioned, out-dated custom just like stoning and beheading and all that…

I was raised to believe I had to save myself for marriage. And I still believe it. Heck, I completely support that idea. I wish I was stronger. I still feel so guilty… but I can’t seem to say no. He’s my first for everything, dating, kissing, holding hands. He’s my best friend and I’m so happy. I can’t imagine my life without him.
But he’s impulsive, and I love that about him, but it also means he likes to get what he wants. He knows how torn I am about what we do… but he knows how to get me in the mood…. and I can’t say no at that point because I probably want it more than him.

I can’t tell my friends or family how far we’ve gone… I was always the responsible one, the calm, levelheaded one that looked down on sleeping around. And now I know. It’s awful isn’t it? I really enjoy it, he’s gotten so good (we were each other’s firsts) and I can’t resist.

I think I’ve almost gotten over the shame and guilt in going against my morals. I think positing this, even anonymously, will help. Sorry for the long essay.