12 years
x
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I have been clinically depressed nearly all my life, in high school i felt i needed an excuse for feeling this bad. I lied to my mum, dad, friends, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, nurses, councillors, spiritualists and teachers about having hallucinations, hearing voices and having nightmares. Obviously now i realise I’m s*** person. I have distanced myself from the rest of the world and feel so incredibly alone. I understand I deserve this as I have done it to myself. There is no possible way to fix this mess I’ve created. I’m absolutely ashamed and completely hate myself. I can’t be trusted as I’m a compulsive liar. My life is lies on lies and I speak them before my brain has chance to process what I’m saying. It’s too much and I’m pretty sure that sometime in a few years time i will end up killing myself. I will never be happy and the guilt is just building up inside and making me feel worse.

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .