My first kiss was from my best friend when I was 15, and he was 17. We were just playing around and it didn’t mean anything to either of us and caused no awkwardness and a few months later he told me he was gay. When I was 21 he killed himself. A month ago I lost my virginity to a man who is 20 years me senior, and married. I see him every time he’s in town, and I’m in love with him, but the guilt is eating me alive. But I love him, and he’s incredibly kind, and sweet, and interesting. Sometimes I can’t believe how tucked up my life is. I just don’t know what to do.