My boyfriend and I recorded a little bit of ourselves making love. I watched it a few days later and cannot believe he is still with me. He hasn’t had an o***** with me in nine months (lots of s**, no o*****) and now I can see why. I’m disgusting. I’m a whale. All I can see are the fattest thighs in the world. Rolls and rolls and rolls of stomach fat, my chin melting into my neck melting into my chest. I have neck fat. I have shoulder fat. I’m huge. I’d always considered myself “curvy” and thought my curves were “s***”. They. Are. NOT. I am not “curvy”, I’m fat. Two hundred and ninety pounds fat. Five feet nine inches DDD’s fat. I don’t think he really wants to be with me. We live together so it’s not like we can just break up. We share a household, a lease, rent, bills. Thankfully we don’t have kids. I’d been feeling like he doesn’t want to be in this relationship for a while now and I just kept telling myself “maybe if I dress nicer he’ll like me more”, “maybe if I take better care of myself he’ll like me more”, “maybe if I keep the house a little cleaner I’ll make him happy”, “maybe if I lose some weight he’ll find me pretty enough again”. Now I just feel like I should kill myself. I am not pretty. I cannot change enough to make him want me. And if he doesn’t want me then how am I ever going to find another person? What if I never find another person to share a bed with? To share my life with?

I wish I had never been born. The changes I feel like I need to make to be a person I want to be seem so overwhelming. Too much. It is all too much.