I am dumb.. I have this fantasy that I play in my head… And I’m so embarrassed. I just feel like I ‘shouldn’t’ have this fantasy, or I just shouldn’t think about this, like this. Almost like i’m not supposed to think this way or something. ..Here goes.. I really just wish I had one black friend. One guy to stick by me and be strong for me. I feel like I used to be so strong and now I’ve just been like shut up. It’s like if I talk i’m wrong and I don’t like that. And for some reason when i’m down, I imagine someone smiling beautifully at me to just be happy and stay positive and strong. And that person I imagine is always a young black man, around my age, and happy as can be! This man is handsome, pearly teeth, clean, and overall positive. It’s not like I’ve ever met someone like him, so he’s not a memory. I don’t ‘really’ think much about it being a s** fantasy.. I mean I do.. Only sometimes though, rarely in fact!! But *ahem* that’s not the main part of it. I just feel like I really want a close friend to be strong and there for me and I always imagine him as this taller, happier, black man.

Why? I have no idea. But right now, I really don’t have friends (of any ethnicity lol) and I don’t really try to make new friends. I want to, sort of, but I don’t really know how. And i’d be even more petrified if I tried to become friends with a black guy who I thought could fill that spot because i’d already be putting expectations on him and i’d just be a big weirdo to him! Gosh, i’d turn super red, I know it. I’m embarrassed and I shouldn’t be, or I should be?! I don’t know! It’s not like I’ve never been friends with a black person and am looking for a ‘new experience’ or something creepy like that. x_x For the record, I am finnish/mexican. My boyfriend is Filipino, my previous best friend was a black girl(she didn’t die, she got married T-T), so please don’t misinterpret and think i’m racist… Because i’m not! I just get a little uncomfortable when I segregate and talk about people by their race because I think people are going to think i’m racist, even though i’m just trying to explain and make sense! Does that make sense?

I’m embarrassed because i’m truly asking for a new friend by race and that’s something that I don’t think should be ever be thought because that’s a bit racist in itself isn’t it?

🙁 I don’t want to be considered a racist.