i can’t let go of the past . My past isn’t even that bad but i can’t seem to get over it. I have wanted to kill myself . One or two times. But even the reason was stupid, i didn’t think for others . Killing myself or even living is essentially the same. I know i don’t want to die but escape. I already told someone about it finally after 7 years. But even now i know it’s still my responsibility adn somehow thatbums me. But the only way that i can take care of yself and actually thrive is by being responsible. When i read that book, they are damn right. I just don’t know how much God cna forgiveme. I kept thinking this will be the last time. And yet maybei never much asked for Him. I didn’t have good conncetion . And yet i doubt Him so much so it ruins my life. I know someone who were hurt by peopel who believes Him. Even me as a person can’t help her that much. She too has to be repsonsible for Her life. And yet i totld her not to go ? die because somehow seeing her hurt like that , makes me sad but also hurt me. SHe doesn’t know much about e. But i think i helped Her enough. or who knwos maybe it hurts her. I just want her to know that i really love her. But i’m too shy and i’m scared .Cause i myself don’t know how to handle it. I think life isn’t that bad when you know what to do and have someone with you. I think we all are in pain most of the days. So i guess ” be nide to each other” isn’t a bad thing . So i rea;;y have to forgive mysefl and stop feeling pity to myself. Again nd again. Who knows, maybe someday i’ll get tired of it and never try to get into sadness again and maybe in the process forgive myself. I met bunch of nice people. I am worried if i can’t help them too the way they help me. i.. don’t appreciate what they do sometimes. Most of the time it was like wind. And forgive me for that . I can’t seem to forgive myself even though i know and You know it’s not my fault. But oftentimes , i also susccumb myself to addiction, like mabeb also this sadness, and i can say for sure, thia has gone long enpugh. I don’t know why i like to torture myself. Maybe i sorta wish that You won’t punish me , but letting people suffer is also a neglect . mostly i’m afraid. so this too shall pass. Watching peopel suffer shouldn’t sadden me but strenthen me to live because that ean they needed me more than anything. Mayba eputtin your reason to live to help people is also frail , but this is only the way to make living worth a while . So thank you for the beautiful day today You have given me, and i really wish for people there to be coforted and find their solution to their problem without hurting themselves or others but through love . and i wish they would be abudnat and hav ea happy life. Laso fo rmy brother cause he is in so much pain and maybe he’ll realize that life is okay , and meaningful even if it’s for a while. Just like i am doing right now even if it was just a fleeting cuade i know i am weak and i don’t have much power . And that’s okay . I think You would wnat me to feel this way because You probably want me to e grateful and be haooy with whatever connditions becaus eistuationshouldn’t dictate hpw you feel to such extent that i can’t let go of it. I shoukd fogive my teacher who has hurt me as well . It’s not because i s*** and weak and crybaby, but it is hurtful and i can tread it carefully and be fine with it cause i want to bekiev that everyhting will eb opkay. I do truly wish that i can imagine at least taht You would still hold my hadn because soetimes i still have ahard time believing that people around me are my friends and not against me even though they do want to help me. everything else is confusing . I love you all