I've been with my partner for 2 years and some months, I was so in love with her back then but we have always had our problems and I feel that I have

4 years

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I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and some months, I was so in love with her back then but we have always had our problems and I feel that I have always been the one to compromise on my own issues for them. They would probably say the same for themselves. I’ve never been sure about this relationship and I’ve tried to break it off a couple of times but I have always caved and gone back. Only a month ago did I try to break it off and it didn’t work. And then there’s this girl I’ve known for a long time and I know that she is in love with me, and honestly, I love how she treats me. I love that she likes my stupid quirks and the ones that my partner hates. I love that she actually cares about me and even though I’m in a relationship I always lowkey flirt with her because I just need that kind of thing. My partner doesn’t like any kind of affection and treats it as a chore to give me a simple kiss. I hate that I’m flirting with another person and I would never cheat but I’m feeling more loved with this friend than I am with my own partner. I don’t feel like I’m treated like a partner, but more like a servant that has to be the one to get things because I’m “the man”. I’m so close to telling my friend how I truly feel about her and that I wish I could express my true feelings to her. I’ve been so close to breaking it off so many times and it would be better for me to do it now rather than later but I can’t bring myself to do it. She’s always insulting me, putting me down, calling me stupid, an a******, not a good person, and I wish I could just snap and break it off but I can’t let my anger go and snap and rage. I don’t know why I can’t but I’ve never been able to just yell at someone. I want to let all my feelings out and rage and storm and hate but I can’t. And now I don’t know what to do, I know what my heart wants, and I know that logically my heart can’t have what it wants. Even if I break up with my partner, logically I can’t be with my friend because we are compatible short-term, but long term we arent’ and I’ve always been one to rush into relationships, and after this one, I can’t do that to my self again. Sometimes I fantasize about crashing my car and dying so that I don’t have to break it off. Or them dying so that I don’t have to do it, or losing my memory so that I have a reason to get out of it. I have been told by so many people that this isn’t healthy and I know it’s not healthy but that doesn’t change anything and I still can’t bring myself to confess everything I want to confess.

New Confession

You will not make me feel guilty over nothing. You’re a real jerk. I refuse to let what you said and done in my past make me feel worthless. I am no longer under your control. Dad,Russell, James and those few connected with a few of you. Kayla,Amanda, Sheila ( even though you’re supposedly deceased) I am a good woman that’s trust has been destroyed and I didn’t deserve any of that. I deserve to be treated better. I’ve gone on with my life believing I can do better and that better people will be placed in my life. I want to meet a real good man that truly loves me and values me and not shift the blame on me over issues you all refused to change about yourself or even admit your faults. Toxic people lie and make believe they are good just to use and stomp on the heart of not only me but every good person in your path. I forgive but I do not trust nor will I allow you to be a part of my life. What’s so bad is that I am too afraid of getting to know another man . They all claim to be different just to learn too late they’re just another cavity in my mouth. God help me to learn a person is a narcissist before another one destroys me.

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DeztaMaoist- Thy sacrifice their everyday pathetic lives for lies. Them blacks use excuses to avoid responsibility. Those gays act soft to get their way. The jews claim they are never in the wrong. We are all evil souls. From the n****** to trans to women to disabled. We are nothing more then anomalies in a corrupted world. “Kilzo al thy!”