Hey guys this is long and depressing so before you read remember that I have warned you.

So I spent nearly 5.5 years in college and I am in 25K of debt. I switched majors 3 times and still have no idea what I want to do with my life. My 4 years in college I had a parttime job which i at first enjoyed but after a couple of years I became to hate it because the people that worked there were people who you could not easily connect with. But I held down my job for fear that I didnt want to quit. All the while in college I was doing degrees I had no prior background in. To be frank I wasnt learning a thing more like rote learning material hoping that one day I would understand everything. I would get frustrated and sad if I could not understand anything and being the sort of person who didnt like asking for help I would study long ardous hours until I understood something which sometimes when it came to exam time I didnt understand and ended up failing classes..In total I think I failed 11 papers. It was difficult for me to open up about anything because all throught my life I knew I was gay and that I was brought up in a religion that hated gay people and I couldnt trust a single sole to share my issues with because i learned quite early in life to never trust anyone. I couldnt disclose even the fact that I was failing college to my parents who expected so much from me. Also throughout college I was a loner because I knew that I could not have a girlfriend so I avoided all the girls so that they wouldnt hit on me and also I couldnt understand guys because all they talked about were girls and I felt fake talking to them. During my last 2 years in college I was put on antidepressants and my personality changed and I was more outgoing and social and wasnt so shy anymore to the point I was rude with people. I no longer cared what others thought of me and I disclosed I was gay to my mum who denied I was gay so I left it at that and we never talked anymore about that. All the while this was going on I had to go through my brother being sent to prison, my other brother taking drugs and battling schizophrenia and my dad taking out a 20K loan and getting into debt. Before you assume we are rich. I will tell you we are actually poor. I feel depressed because While I was so focused on college my family was slowly but surely breaking apart… At the moment my whole family has no plans and nobody is willing to accept we are a failure or do anything because we all know all hope is lost. I just dont get why I have an education yet I am consistently not doing well in life. I feel in a way I am overexerting myself yet I am not going anywhere in life. Im seriously thinking about suicide I know how to die in a very easy manner because I have studied chemistry and biology so I know what would kill me and I know how to perform it. Now that I look back I think that my while life was a lie. I didnt develop as a person. I didnt gain anything from life. I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life and it seemed like I was never honest with myself and didnt think things through. I could never connect with anyone. I was scared of confrontation, I avoided social interaction, was shy, useless and a waste of space. I feel like a coward. Suicide is indeed for the coward. Everything makes sense to me now. I never understood it when people said that suicide is selfish. I never understood it when people said that being gay is wrong..now I understand its wrong but still I cant change even though I desperately want to be straight I cant be straight yet now I understand what everyone means when they say it is a choice because while I may not be able to change it I have the choice of whether I accept myself as gay or I dont..its my choice but is it the wrong choice? Also I have had a p********** addiction since the age of 17. I have been addicted to gay p*** and cant stop..has it helped me? no it hasnt? its just been a waste of time. I watch it like maybe once every week maybe less sometimes ………………….