During my girlhood, I was certainly feminine: I delighted in wearing dresses and skirts, particularly if they were pink or red, although I do not like those colors quite like I did as a young girl; pretend-played as a princess and a fairy; was repulsed by the mere concept of being masculine; and was never, to any degree, bothered by the physical effects of puberty.
However, many a year later, I pretended, but in a much different manner; when I was between 11 and 12 years, I had deluded myself into thinking that I was a boy, although I thankfully neither burdened myself with the consequences of disclosing this to my parents, nor suffered from the effects of irreversible, experimental, and potentially dangerous hormones, hormone blockers, or surgery at such a young age. As I speak of this period of my life – currently, I am fully aware that I am a woman, and now believe myself to be a lesbian, although I once identified as “gay”, in terms of my male persona, in spite of not, in any way, being attracted to males– I realize how absurd it was, although, at that time, it would have been unimaginable for me to ever reconsider the identity which I had invented for myself.
The reason, I believe, for my past identity is because I, very wrongly, thought that a woman could not accomplish what a man could – when a female believes this, it is aptly deemed “internalized misogyny”. As my belief in my male identity hardened, I began to express a hatred for the distinctly female parts of my body, despite previously having a positive opinion of them.
I expressed my false identity only online, assuming numerous male names, as well as listing my gender as male; although my delusion, with time, began to gradually fade, I instead pretended to be “non-binary” for a short while, prior to my realization that I was, in fact, neither a male, nor a “non-binary” being, but a woman, a girl, and a female. Thus, I disowned every account with which my former persona was associated; and slowly began to, again, take joy in wearing dresses and skirts, although I still prefer to wear shirts, hats, and socks when they are designed for males. I came to the realization that I was a lesbian, attracted and aroused exclusively to, and by, females; and, once again, took pride in not only my s********, but my body, and all of its parts.
This text is intended neither to attack nor cast doubt upon those who truly believe that they are transgender, and have always been, but simply to describe my experience.
