UGH. It’s such a stupid little infuriating THING. It’s really not that big of a deal but it bugs the s*** out of me! Here is an example of what I mean :
My guy and I are talking through skype. He’s at home, i’m at work. (I can be on skype, my work calls for it.) Were having a conversation throughout the day. Not continuous just occasionally like he’ll find something funny and send it, and vice versa. So were talking. I get a phone call, and take a short while. He sends a message at 2:19 and I answer at literally 2:20 and HE’S ALREADY GONE.
Wtf man. Why couldn’t you just wait to say good bye. Literally not even a minute went by and you just peel out the door with your friend. And for what? For the arcade bar I found that I wanted to go with you to.. It s**** when he does that! It’s like he’s figuratively putting his finger on my lips while running away. I hate that!! F***! Just tell me good bye…
Now I just feel ranty about him, like why do I bother. He’s unemployed and plays all day while I work. (We don’t have kids to be watched! >:/) He doesn’t pay attention to me when his friends are around. I try to not care about that because shoot, we live together and well he doesn’t get to see his friends that much so it’s cool.. but to do it every time. To just be tossed aside every single time we go see your friends. I’m just getting tired. The only time he cares is when i’m tipsy touching other guys n******… No even then he didn’t take notice or care, it was rather his friend who carried me away. It’s like the only person I can go to, for you to pay attention, is my ex. And I hate that guy! I’m not gonna go see him.. or anyone else for that matter because I don’t know anybody.. and you know that.. I feel like that’s why he can take such advantage of me and can take me for granted, because I don’t have anywhere else to go or people to see for comfort or advice. I almost feel like he raised me to be his. And not necessarily in a dreamy way of being his, more of just his object as in ‘do as your told, why? because I love you.’
I was homeless when I met him, and he and his friend took me into their apartment. I was about 17 and he and his friend were about 22 and 24? I just didn’t have anywhere to go and I knew he had just moved into an apt of his own. We weren’t really friends, hardly acquaintances really, he was my boyfriends… best friend. So I took my chances and showed up at his door. That was the beginning of a much thing than I hoped for.
Now I just feel like a s** slave in this tiny box apartment. I wake up, shower, go to work, leave work, buy groceries, make dinner, clean the apt, then bend over at the end of the night. I wish he’d treat me better. I do it all for him and I let him have his way. Just once why couldn’t he consider being considerate or thoughtful to me. Just some kind of something that shows me he IS trying and he IS worth the effort.. But odds are when I get home, he’ll fart and say ‘hey baby, wanna s*** my d*** a little?’ and i’ll say ‘not right now’ then all of my fantasies of him being a gentleman will be blown away in that stinky breeze. =__= Why do I put up with him… Even scarier, why am I afraid to fall out of love with him if I know he’s bad for me. I think it might just be because, I don’t know anybody else.. Who will I talk to. Who will I do anything to. No body.
Because I don’t know anybody.. because I’ve lived in this box for years just trying to get out on my own. But I can’t. I guess i’ll just be a single person forever trying to get out of the hole I threw myself into. Unless I run away to be homeless again.. Greaaaat. fml.
Would this all really be any easier if I had friends of my own? I don’t know. I don’t think it’d make much of a difference, because either way it comes down to me doesn’t it? … I don’t know. Someday it’ll click.