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depression. what is it? it’s this feeling that you’re not wanted around. the feeling that you’re not loved. you’re angry. then all of the sudden, you’re the bad guy. that’s what depression is. depression drives you to do a lot of stupid s***. depression is one of the worst things a person can get. people will joke about it and say oh i’ma kill myself cause i’m depressed. and we all laugh about it. till one day when a kid says and does it, we talk about it maybe a week. then. it’s in the past. not to me. when i hear about somebody committing suicide, it sticks with me. i went through it. i’m still going through it. but i’m starting to see the light in life. and i’m only 21. life is full of obstacle courses. and it’s crazy. you know. we’re taught bottling up our feelings and just put them to aside and never to deal with it. you can’t do that. that’s gonna comeback and it’s gonna hit you hard as s***. and it hurts. then you turn to overdosing or pulling the trigger. i too have went through something like that. and it’s hard. this is my story. from my 3 best friends. i told myself i would never go down that path. i made sure that they were happy. they went off and started life. and i’m proud of them. i’m so f****** proud of them. i went down that path. cause i honestly thought that they didn’t need me anymore. my family is happy. my life here is completed. time to go. whoever was watching over me that night told me it wasn’t time to go. i got the help i needed. i surrounded myself with good people. people i strive to be like. i honestly don’t really know why i even tried. to this day i hate myself for it. every time i see my mom and we laugh, it’s this amazing feeling. every time i see my dad and we cut up and be dumb and just be boys, it’s this amazing feeling. i really thought pills were more than important than family and friends. and i really tried to let them take me away from family and friends. i am proud of the person i have became since then. my intake on my life. everything about me has changed. but yet i hear kids, adults committing suicide. imagine what those peoples families go through. knowing that they won’t be there for christmas, thanksgiving, birthdays, graduation. it s****. it f****** s****. i hate that. so. that’s why im here. that’s my reason. the reason why i am here is to help people. if people can take time out of their day and talk to me about what’s going on with them, i will take time outta my day to make sure they have somebody they can count on. that’s why i always be telling people im here for them. cause i truly do mean it. im here for you. if you need a ear, ill give you two. i want you here. i want you to be happy. i want you to succeed in life. i want you to get a job. i want you to get married. i want you to have kids. i want you to be happy with your life. i’m standing up. and telling my story. so other people can tell their story. their story matters. whatever it is. it’s important. if everybody stands up, we can take down depression. together. i believe in us. put our b******* to the side. suicide isn’t the damn answer. i want you to fight this battle. i’m here for you. we can fight it together. i believe in change. i believe that every single soul on this earth deserves to be happy. i have to thank the people that’s been by my side since the incident. `i am thankful for everything they have taught me. I’m turning something so negative into something positive. something that helps other people and help myself in the process. i understand that suicide is a touchy subject. but it needs to talked about. we are losing people, loved ones to depression. that’s why I’m here. that’s why I’m doing this. that’s why I’m gonna make the change. I’m tired of seeing suicide on the news. its a problem that nobody is talking about. we only talk about it when it happens. that’s not how it should be. all it takes one person to stand up and tell their story. then other people start standing up. to everybody who is dealing with depression or whatever you’re going through, i believe in you. i believe you can make it out on the other side. you can come out and be a better person. there is so much to life than committing suicide. my inspiration is Vic Blends. he is a barber. but he goes around and he gives free haircuts to people and talks to them. inspires them. and that’s what i wanna be like. i want to inspire somebody. i want to talk to somebody and give them the best advice and maybe one day they can spread the message on to somebody else. that’s how we start the change. together, everybody, we can beat depression. i believe we can. this is corny but you fail a lot of times before you reach success. i stand by that. we have to make mistakes in life. do not let that mistake bring you down. learn that mistake. turn it into success. take something negative and turn it into something positive. i promise you, the change will come. and it only takes one person.

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I spent a lot of quality time over coffee with my MIL. We talked about anything under the sun for hours. Usually when my wife went out shopping or for lunch with her 2 sisters. One day she seemed abnormally quiet and when i asked what was on her mind she said that she was worried i would leave her daughter because she had heard from the other 2 that my wife had shut down s** in our marriage. She said that she knew i loved my wife but that it was clouding my judgement to accept a marriage witbout s**. I got pretty down about hearing the quiet part out loud at all even worse from my MIL who i had great trust in and respect for. She said that while she knew she should think of her daughter first she worried because she knew that i turned a blind eye to the topic and that she was also aware from the other two that my wife was making snide remarks about me m***********. She said she knew me well enough to know that i would never seek an affair but feared that that made me too vulnerable. As the conversation unfolded i admitted that i had considered paying for s** and she implored me to not do that because of risk of disease. Sad as it was i told her that my biggest reason for avoiding it was that all i would want from an e***** would be to be held and talked to while i masturbated but even then it would feel pathetic and lonely and i would not get the fulfillment of knowing i had given pleasure to someone else. She said she understood and we conversationally moved on to other topics.

Weeks went by and it did not come up again but we were rarely alone. But i should have expected she would bring it up again when the moment and privacy allowed. It was more embarassing for me because she said that one of my sisters in law told her that my wife had been making comments that i was being moody and quiet and that i should probably go to a h***** or j******* or something. I was actually angry about the fact that it was being talked about between the women and my MIL said that she got that but what i should be angry about was that my wife showed such disrespect and disregard to shame me to others especially her family. I had to admit she was right and she told me that both her other daughters had agreed to stop listening when my wife made such comments and to tell her to knock it off. I told her i felt really embarassed because this also meant that my SILs’ husbands doubtless knew my situation and all the comments as well. More weeks went by. The sisters go out shopping and my MIL and i are at her table again talking around the topic and she said the issue was not going to go away. I told her i got that but that there was no changing the situation. She left to go to the bathroom and when she came back as we talked about other things she eventually called me out on having been looking at her cleavage in the neck of her robe. I was so ashamed and tried to apologize but she actually laughed and told me to shut up because she had deliberately been showing her cleavage because she felt i deserved to get a peek at a woman occasionally. Then she did not say another word just looked at me and of course i could not stop looking now. It was not like she had huge breasts but the neck of the robe was open very low. I could not speak at all. She reached to the neck of her robe and pulled it more open and lower. All i could do was keep looking despite how awful i felt about what i was doing. She shrugged the robe off her shoulders revealing her breasts down almost to the n****** and by now i was so nervous and paralyzed sitting there trembling. She smiled at my facinated staring and thanked me fo4 the compliment. We sat there for what seemed forever until she spoke my name to get my attention, and just smiled and nodded at me and told me to not deny myself. Feeling so helpless and pathetic did not stop me from reaching under the table as i sat across from her and opening my pants to touch myself under the table. I was lost, slowly stroking myself as i stared at her breasts and sometimes able to look her in the eye. She told me to take my time and enjoy the view and what i was doing. She could tell when i was getting close, telling me to relax, to let it happen, and when she untied her robe and allowed it to fall off her shoulders and breasts completely i lost it and grabbed the edge of the table so tightly as my other hand milked my pleasure out of me. It was so emotional when she placed her hand on mine on the table edge as i moaned and emptied my desperate lust. When my contractions ended she continued to hold her hand on mine as i caught my breath. All i could do was look at her as she smiled, letting me keep looking as she sat there casually bare breasted and smoking a cigarette, eventually even lighting one for me then going to get me a washcloth then sat back across from me as i sheepishly cleaned myself and closed my pants and my face burned as she giggled as i cleaned my puddle off the floor under the table. She just watched as i rinsed the washcloth nervously and sat back down unable to even look at her. She reached over and stroked my cheek and told me to stop overthinking it. Then she asked me to not talk and to just listen. She told me to not read too much into this, but that it was something that yes felt like a betrayal of her daughter but that it was actually one of my SILs that had the idea and the other one convinced her it was a solution to the problem. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die but she made me promise to try to not be embarassed or ashamed and that the three of them (MIL and both SILs) were on my side so to speak. Otherwise there was no need to overtalk or overthink it whatsoever. Over the next months it happened regularly, my SILs simply told me the next time i saw them that they would never treat me badly but that i needed to be braced for the occasional discreet teasing about it in subtle private ways. The first few repeats were only at my MIL’s initiation, she would simply look at me across the table and smile at me and i would pleasure myself as she slowly bared her breasts. She was never impatient nor made me feel like it was a chore. She slowly began to ramp things up over time. I was so turned on by how she would sit there holding my eyes with hers smoking as i stroked myself. I felt like i would pass out the first time she told me to give it to her, to c u m for her. I obeyed as if hypnotized when she told me to stand up and let her watch. She always made it exciting every time. She started to seductively stroke her breasts as i did so. She started sitting close and eventually put my free hand in her breast. Eventually made a new rule that i be naked when i did it for her telling me i owed her the view. I barely kept my balance the first time she had me stand directly in front of her and held her breasts up and told me to milk myself onto them, even casually having a cigarette aftet as she had me clean her breasts with a washcloth. She eventually had me lay on the sofa as she sat across the room and watched me spend hours pleasuring my body for her. Eventually let me lay my head in her lap suckling and nuzzlimg her breasts as i stroked myself. I realized how emotionally addicted to her i was the day i sat at her table after her daughters left and after they left she walked into her own kitchen completely bare and had me follow her to the bathroom so i could touch myself while watching her shower. Even eventually as she lay covered in a bubble bath as i stood looking down at her and as i got close she lifted her torso to let me empty myself onto her wet breasts then had me watch as under the bubbles she pleasured herself while keeping my eyes locked to her eyes. I cherish the day she waited until they left so she could come into her own living room bare and kneel and watch me as i stroked myself for her to watch, then when she knew i was close, stood and took my hand and led me to her bed. She laid back with open thighs and reached up to me and pulled me close, her arms around my shoulders and her legs lockiing around me as i gasped when i entered her as she said it was ok, to just let it happen, we could take our time the next time.

I deeply value the time that both my sisters in law told me how much they cherished me bringing love and passion to their widowed mother’s life. How she had simply wanted to let me feel like a man again but how it had let her feel what a woman longed for again, a true lover for herself as much as her being my lover. After my MIL passed away those two sisters in law and i grieved together. One of them had divorced, and after several weeks tbey both sat me down and told me that she (the divorced one) wanted to fill their mother’s role in my life and i vowed to them both that i would do everything i could possibly do to bring her the joy that i had had with their mother. I am in my 60s now as they are and somehow it is even more fulfilling as time passes and my SIL and i are lovers just as equally as their mother and i were.